Aristophanes The
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Aristophanes, Acharnians.
SCENE: The Athenian Ecclesia on the Pnyx; afterwards
Dicaeopolis' house in the country. On the other
hand, what joy Dexitheus ...
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Introduction
This is the first of the series of three Comedies--'The
Acharnians,' 'Peace' and 'Lysistrata'--produced at intervals
of years, the sixth, tenth and twenty-first of the
Peloponnesian War, and impressing on the Athenian people the
miseries and disasters due to it and to the scoundrels who
by their selfish and reckless policy had provoked it, the
consequent ruin of industry and, above all, agriculture, and
the urgency of asking Peace. In date it is the earliest play
brought out by the author in his own name and his first work
of serious importance. It was acted at the Lenaean Festival,
in January, 426 B.C., and gained the first prize, Cratinus
being second.
Its diatribes against the War and fierce criticism of the
general policy of the War party so enraged Cleon that, as
already mentioned, he endeavoured to ruin the author, who in
'The Knights' retorted by a direct and savage personal
attack on the leader of the democracy.
The plot is of the simplest. Dicaeopolis, an Athenian
citizen, but a native of Acharnae, one of the agricultural
demes and one which had especially suffered in the
Lacedaemonian invasions, sick and tired of the ill-success
and miseries of the War, makes up his mind, if he fails to
induce the people to adopt his policy of "peace at any
price," to conclude a private and particular peace of his
own to cover himself, his family, and his estate. The
Athenians, momentarily elated by victory and over-persuaded
by the demagogues of the day--Cleon and his henchmen, refuse
to hear of such a thing as coming to terms. Accordingly
Dicaeopolis dispatches an envoy to Sparta on his own
account, who comes back presently with a selection of
specimen treaties in his pocket. The old man tastes and
tries, special terms are arranged, and the play concludes
with a riotous and uproarious rustic feast in honour of the
blessings of Peace and Plenty.
Incidentally excellent fun is poked at Euripides and his
dramatic methods, which supply matter for so much witty
badinage in several others of our author's pieces.
Other specially comic incidents are: the scene where the
two young daughters of the famished Megarian are sold in the
market at Athens as sucking-pigs--a scene in which the
convenient similarity of the Greek words signifying a pig
and the 'pudendum muliebre' respectively is utilized in a
whole string of ingenious and suggestive 'double entendres'
and ludicrous jokes; another where the Informer, or
Market-Spy, is packed up in a crate as crockery and carried
off home by the Boeotian buyer.
The drama takes its title from the Chorus,
composed of old men of Acharnae.
http://www.online-literature.com/aristophanes/acharnians/
Dramatis Personae
DICAEOPOLIS
HERALD
AMPHITHEUS
AMBASSADORS
PSEUDARTABAS
THEORUS
WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS
DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS
EURIPIDES
CEPHISOPHON, servant of Euripides
LAMACHUS
ATTENDANT OF LAMACHUS
A MEGARIAN
MAIDENS, daughters of the Megarian
A BOEOTIAN
NICARCHUS
A HUSBANDMAN
A BRIDESMAID
AN INFORMER
MESSENGERS
CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN ELDERS
SCENE: The Athenian Ecclesia on the Pnyx;
afterwards Dicaeopolis' house in the country.
Aristophanes, Acharnians
DICAEOPOLIS (alone)
What cares have not gnawed at my heart and how few have been
the pleasures in my life! Four, to be exact, while my
troubles have been as countless as the grains of sand on the
shore! Let me see! of what value to me have been these few
pleasures? Ah! I remember that I was delighted in soul when
Cleon had to disgorge those five talents; I was in ecstasy
and I love the Knights for this deed; 'it is an honour to
Greece.' But the day when I was impatiently awaiting a piece
by Aeschylus, what tragic despair it caused me when the
herald called,
"Theognis, introduce your Chorus!" Just imagine how
this blow struck straight at my heart! On the other hand,
what joy Dexitheus caused me at the musical
competition, when he played a Boeotian melody on the
lyre! But this year by contrast! Oh! what deadly
torture to hear Chaeris perform the prelude in the
Orthian mode! --Never, however, since I began to bathe, has
the dust hurt my eyes as it does to-day.
Still it is the day of assembly; all should be here at
daybreak, and yet the Pnyx is still deserted. They are
gossiping in the marketplace, slipping hither and thither to
avoid the vermilioned rope. The Prytanes even do not
come; they will be late, but when they come they will push
and fight each other for a seat in the front row. They will
never trouble themselves with the question of peace. Oh!
Athens! Athens! As for myself, I do not fail to come here
before all the rest, and now, finding myself alone, I groan,
yawn, stretch, break wind, and know not what to do; I make
sketches in the dust, pull out my loose hairs, muse, think
of my fields, long for peace, curse town life and regret my
dear country home, which never told me to 'buy fuel, vinegar
or oil'; there the word 'buy,' which cuts me in two, was
unknown; I harvested everything at will. Therefore I have
come to the assembly fully prepared to bawl, interrupt and
abuse the speakers, if they talk of anything but peace. But
here come the Prytanes, and high time too, for it is midday!
As I foretold, hah! is it not so? They are pushing and
fighting for the front seats.
HERALD
Move on up, move on, move on, to get within the consecrated
area.
AMPHITHEUS
Has anyone spoken yet?
HERALD
Who asks to speak?
AMPHITHEUS
I do.
HERALD
Your name?
AMPHITHEUS
Amphitheus.
HERALD
You are no man.
AMPHITHEUS
No! I am an immortal! Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and
Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus. Celeus wedded
Phaenerete, my grandmother, whose son was Lucinus, and,
being born of him I am an immortal; it is to me alone that
the gods have entrusted the duty of treating with the
Lacedaemonians. But, citizens, though I am immortal, I am
dying of hunger; the Prytanes give me naught.
A PRYTANIS Guards!
AMPHITHEUS
Oh, Triptolemus and Ceres, do ye thus forsake your own
blood?
DICAEOPOLIS
Prytanes, in expelling this citizen, you are offering an
outrage to the Assembly. He only desired to secure peace for
us and to sheathe the sword.
PRYTANIS
Sit down and keep silence!
DICAEOPOLIS
No, by Apollo, I will not, unless you are going to discuss
the question of peace.
HERALD
The ambassadors, who are returned from the Court of the
King!
DICAEOPOLIS
Of what King? I am sick of all those fine birds, the peacock
ambassadors and their swagger.
HERALD
Silence!
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh! oh! by Ecbatana, what a costume!
AN AMBASSADOR
During the archonship of Euthymenes, you sent us to the
Great King on a salary of two drachmae per diem.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! those poor drachmae!
AMBASSADOR
We suffered horribly on the plains of the Cayster, sleeping
under a tent, stretched deliciously on fine chariots, half
dead with weariness.
DICAEOPOLIS
And I was very much at ease, lying on the straw along the
battlements!
AMBASSADOR
Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink
delicious wine out of golden or crystal flagons....
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, city of Cranaus, thy ambassadors are laughing at thee!
AMBASSADOR
For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone esteemed as
men by the barbarians.
DICAEOPOLIS
Just as here in Athens, we only esteem the most drunken
debauchees.
AMBASSADOR
At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court,
but he had left with his whole army to ease himself, and for
the space of eight months he was thus easing himself in the
midst of the golden mountains.
DICAEOPOLIS
And how long was he replacing his dress?
AMBASSADOR
The whole period of a full moon; after which he returned to
his palace; then he entertained us and had us served with
oxen roasted whole in an oven.
DICAEOPOLIS
Who ever saw an oxen baked in an oven? What a lie!
AMBASSADOR
On my honour, he also had us served with a bird three times
as large as Cleonymus, and called the Boaster.
DICAEOPOLIS
And do we give you two drachmae, that you should treat us to
all this humbug?
AMBASSADOR
We are bringing to you Pseudartabas, the King's Eye.
DICAEOPOLIS
I would a crow might pluck out thine with his beak, you
cursed ambassador!
HERALD
The King's Eye!
DICAEOPOLIS
Eh! Great Gods! Friend, with thy great eye, round like the
hole through which the oarsman passes his sweep, you have
the air of a galley doubling a cape to gain port.
AMBASSADOR
Come, Pseudartabas, give forth the message for the Athenians
with which you were charged by the Great King.
PSEUDARTABAS
Jartaman exarx 'anapissonia satra.
AMBASSADOR
Do you understand what he says?
DICAEOPOLIS
By Apollo, not I!
AMBASSADOR (TO THE PRYTANES)
He says that the Great King will send you gold. Come, utter
the word 'gold' louder and more distinctly.
PSEUDARTABAS
Thou shalt not have gold, thou gaping-arsed Ionian.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! may the gods forgive me, but that is clear enough!
AMBASSADOR
What does he say?
DICAEOPOLIS
That the Ionians are debauchees and idiots, if they expect
to receive gold from the barbarians.
AMBASSADOR
Not so, he speaks of medimni of gold.
DICAEOPOLIS
What medimni? Thou are but a great braggart; but get your
way; I will find out the truth by myself. Come now, answer
me clearly, if you do not wish me to dye your skin red. Will
the Great King send us gold? (PSEUDARTABAS MAKES A NEGATIVE
SIGN.) Then our ambassadors are seeking to deceive us?
(PSEUDARTABAS SIGNS AFFIRMATIVELY.) These fellows make signs
like any Greek; I am sure that they are nothing but
Athenians. Oh! ho! I recognize one of these eunuchs; it is
Clisthenes, the son of Sibyrtius. Behold the effrontery of
this shaven rump! How! great baboon, with such a beard do
you seek to play the eunuch to us? And this other one? Is it
not Straton?
HERALD
Silence! Let all be seated. The Senate invites the King's
Eye to the Prytaneum.
DICAEOPOLIS
Is this not sufficient to drive one to hang oneself? Here I
stand chilled to the bone, whilst the doors of the Prytaneum
fly wide open to lodge such rascals. But I will do something
great and bold. Where is Amphitheus? Come and speak with me.
AMPHITHEUS
Here I am.
DICAEOPOLIS
Take these eight drachmae and go and conclude a truce with
the Lacedaemonians for me, my wife and my children; I leave
you free, my dear citizens, to send out embassies and to
stand gaping in the air.
HERALD
Bring in Theorus, who has returned from the Court of
Sitalces.
THEORUS
I am here.
DICAEOPOLIS
Another humbug!
THEORUS
We should not have remained long in Thrace...
DICAEOPOLIS
Forsooth, no, if you had not been well paid.
THEORUS
...if the country had not been covered with snow; the rivers
were ice-bound at the time that Theognis brought out his
tragedy here; during the whole of that time I was holding my
own with Sitalces, cup in hand; and, in truth, he adored you
to such a degree, that he wrote on the walls, "How beautiful
are the Athenians!" His son, to whom we gave the freedom of
the city, burned with desire to come here and eat
chitterlings at the feast of the Apaturia; he prayed his
father to come to the aid of his new country and Sitalces
swore on his goblet that he would succour us with such a
host that the Athenians would exclaim, "What a cloud of
grasshoppers!"
DICAEOPOLIS
May I die if I believe a word of what you tell us! Excepting
the grasshoppers, there is not a grain of truth in it all!
THEORUS
And he has sent you the most warlike soldiers of all Thrace.
DICAEOPOLIS
Now we shall begin to see clearly.
HERALD
Come hither, Thracians, whom Theorus brought.
DICAEOPOLIS
What plague have we here?
THEORUS
'Tis the host of the Odomanti.
DICAEOPOLIS
Of the Odomanti? Tell me what it means. Who has mutilated
them like this?
THEORUS
If they are given a wage of two drachmae, they will put all
Boeotia to fire and sword.
DICAEOPOLIS
Two drachmae to those circumcised hounds! Groan aloud, ye
people of rowers, bulwark of Athens! Ah! great gods! I am
undone; these Odomanti are robbing me of my garlic! Will you
give me back my garlic?
THEORUS
Oh! wretched man! do not go near them; they have eaten
garlic.
DICAEOPOLIS
Prytanes, will you let me be treated in this manner, in my
own country and by barbarians? But I oppose the discussion
of paying a wage to the Thracians; I announce an omen; I
have just felt a drop of rain.
HERALD
Let the Thracians withdraw and return the day after
tomorrow; the Prytanes declare the sitting at an end.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ye gods, what garlic I have lost! But here comes Amphitheus
returned from Lacedaemon. Welcome, Amphitheus.
AMPHITHEUS
No, there is no welcome for me and I fly as fast as I can,
for I am pursued by the Acharnians.
DICAEOPOLIS
Why, what has happened?
AMPHITHEUS
I was hurrying to bring your treaty of truce, but some old
dotards from Acharnae got scent of the thing; they are
veterans of Marathon, tough as oak or maple, of which they
are made for sure--rough and ruthless. They all started
a-crying: "Wretch! you are the bearer of a treaty, and the
enemy has only just cut our vines!" Meanwhile they were
gathering stones in their cloaks, so I fled and they ran
after me shouting.
DICAEOPOLIS
Let 'em shout as much as they please! But HAVE you brought
me a treaty?
AMPHITHEUS
Most certainly, here are three samples to select from, this
one is five years old; take it and taste.
DICAEOPOLIS
Faugh!
AMPHITHEUS
Well?
DICAEOPOLIS
It does not please me; it smells of pitch and of the ships
they are fitting out.
AMPHITHEUS
Here is another, ten years old; taste it.
DICAEOPOLIS
It smells strongly of the delegates, who go around the towns
to chide the allies for their slowness.
AMPHITHEUS
This last is a truce of thirty years, both on sea and land.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh! by Bacchus! what a bouquet! It has the aroma of
nectar and ambrosia; this does not say to us, "Provision
yourselves for three days." But it lisps the gentle numbers,
"Go whither you will." I accept it, ratify it, drink it at
one draught and consign the Acharnians to limbo. Freed from
the war and its ills, I shall keep the Dionysia in
the country.
AMPHITHEUS
And I shall run away, for I'm mortally afraid of the
Acharnians.
CHORUS
This way all! Let us follow our man; we will demand him of
everyone we meet; the public weal makes his seizure
imperative. Ho, there! tell me which way the bearer of the
truce has gone; he has escaped us, he has disappeared. Curse
old age! When I was young, in the days when I followed
Phayllus, running with a sack of coals on my back, this
wretch would not have eluded my pursuit, let him be as swift
as he will; but now my limbs are stiff; old Lacratides feels
his legs are weighty and the traitor escapes me. No, no, let
us follow him; old Acharnians like ourselves shall not be
set at naught by a scoundrel, who has dared, great gods! to
conclude a truce, when I wanted the war continued with
double fury in order to avenge my ruined lands. No mercy for
our foes until I have pierced their hearts like sharp
reed, so that they dare never again ravage my
vineyards. Come, let us seek the rascal; let us look
everywhere, carrying our stones in our hands; let us hunt
him from place to place until we trap him; I could never,
never tire of the delight of stoning him.
DICAEOPOLIS
Peace! profane men!
CHORUS
Silence all! Friends, do you hear the sacred formula? Here
is he, whom we seek! This way, all! Get out of his way,
surely he comes to offer an oblation.
[241] DICAEOPOLIS
Peace, profane men! Let the basket-bearer come forward, and
thou Xanthias, hold the phallus well upright.
WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS
Daughter, set down the basket and let us begin the
sacrifice.
DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS
Mother, hand me the ladle, that I may spread the sauce on
the cake.
DICAEOPOLIS
It is well! Oh, mighty Bacchus, it is with joy that,
freed from military duty, I and all mine perform this solemn
rite and offer thee this sacrifice; grant that I may keep
the rural Dionysia without hindrance and that this
truce of thirty years may be propitious for me.
WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS
Come, my child, carry the basket gracefully and with a
grave, demure face. Happy he, who shall be your possessor
and embrace you so firmly at dawn, that you belch wind like
a weasel. Go forward, and have a care they don't snatch your
jewels in the crowd.
DICAEOPOLIS
Xanthias, walk behind the basket-bearer and hold the
phallus well erect; I will follow, singing the
Phallic hymn; thou, wife, look on from the top of the
terrace. Forward!
[263] Oh, Phales,
companion of the orgies of Bacchus, night reveller,
god of adultery, friend of young men, these past six
years I have not been able to invoke thee.
< bgcolor="#ccffff"> THEIR GOAL WAS TO
USE THEIR GODS AS A WAY TO INCREASE THE WORK PRODUCT AND
ENCOURAGE WARRIORS.
Acts 17:24 God that made the
world and all things therein,
seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth,
dwelleth not in temples made with hands;
Acts 17:25 Neither is worshipped
with men’s hands,
as though he needed any thing,
seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all
things;
Acts 17:26 And hath made of one
blood all nations of men
for to dwell on all the face of the earth,
and hath determined the times before appointed,
and the bounds of their habitation;
Where ever they are on the face of the earth, you don't
need someone to lead you into His presence.
Acts 17:27 That they should seek
the Lord,
if haply they might feel after him, and find him,
though he be not far from every one of us:
That denies that God predestinates
you!
SEEK: 2212.
zeteo, dzay-teh´-o; of uncertain affinity; to seek
(literally or figuratively); specially, (by Hebraism) to
worship
FEEL AFTER: 5584.
pselaphao, psay-laf-ah´-o;
A. from the base of 5567 (B. compare 5586); to manipulate,
i.e. verify by contact; figuratively, to
search for: feel after, handle,
touch.
Because God CANNOT to be worshipped with the WORKS
of our hands, this is NOT a musical concept nor is
there one in the Bible for the spiritual thread.
A. 5567. psallo,
psal´-lo; probably strengthened from psao
(to rub or touch the surface; compare 5597);
5597. psocho,
pso´-kho; prolongation from the same base as 5567;
to triturate,
grind into a fine
powder.
When we speak the Word of God we GRIND
it in our heart and not upon a harp. This is
the meaning of the threshing the chaff
from the grain.
B. 5586.
psephos, psay´-fos; from the same as 5584; a pebble
(as worn smooth by handling),
Heb. 11:5 By faith Enoch was translated that
he should not see death;
and was not found,
because God had translated him:
for before his
translation he had this testimony, that he pleased God.
Heb. 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to
please him:
a.
for he that cometh to God must believe
that he is,
b.
and that he is a rewarder of
c.
them that diligently seek him.
Luke 6:47
a.
Whosoever cometh to me,
b.
and heareth my sayings,
c.
and doeth them, I will shew you to
whom he is like:
Luke 6:48 He is like a man which built an house,
and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and
when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon
that house, and could not shake it: for it was
founded upon a rock.
John 3:20 For every one
-a.
that doeth evil hateth the light,
-b.
neither cometh to the light,
-c.
lest his deeds should be reproved.
John 3:21 But he
a. that doeth truth
b. cometh to the light,
c. that his deeds may be
made manifest, that they are wrought in God.
Acts 10:34 Then Peter opened his mouth, and said,
Of a truth I perceive
that God is no
respecter of persons:
Acts 10:35 But in every nation
a. he that feareth
him, and
c. worketh
righteousness,
d. is accepted with
him
SEEK: 1567.
ekzeteo, ek-zay-teh´-o; from 1537 and 2212; to search
out, i.e. (figuratively) investigate, crave,
demand, (by Hebraism) worship: enquire,
seek after (carefully, diligently).
1Pet. 3:21 The like figure whereunto even
a.
baptism doth also now save us (not
the putting away of the filth of the flesh,
b.
but the answer [request for] of a
good conscience toward God,)
c.
by the resurrection of Jesus Christ:
1905. eperotao, ep-er-o-tah´-o; from 1909 and
2065; to ask for, i.e. inquire, seek:
ask (after, questions), demand, desire, question
2065. erotao, er-o-tah´-o; apparently from 2046
(compare 2045); to interrogate; by implication,
to request: ask, beseech, desire, intreat,
pray.
Acts 17:28 For in him we live, and move,
and have our being;
as certain also of
your own poets have said,
For we are also
his offspring.
With what joy I return to my farmstead, thanks to the truce
I have concluded, freed from cares, from fighting and from
Lamachuses! How much sweeter, oh Phales, oh, Phales, is it
to surprise Thratta, the pretty woodmaid, Strymodorus'
slave, stealing wood from Mount Phelleus, to catch her under
the arms, to throw her on the ground and possess her, Oh,
Phales, Phales! If thou wilt drink and bemuse thyself with
me, we shall to-morrow consume some good dish in honour of
the peace, and I will hang up my buckler over the smoking
hearth.
Amos 8:1 Thus hath the Lord
GOD shewed unto me: and behold a basket of
summer fruit.
Amos 8:2 And he said, Amos, what seest thou? And I said,
A basket of summer fruit.
Then said the LORD
unto me, The end is come upon my people of Israel;
I will not
again pass by them any more.
3619. kel-oob´; from the same as 3611; a
bird-trap (as furnished with a clap-stick or treadle
3611. keleb, keh´-leb; from an unused root means.
to yelp, or else to attack; a dog; hence (by euphemism)
a male prostitute:--dog.
See Isaiah.56.html, Acts.20.html
Lukos A. wolf, oresteroi, oin humenaioi,
VI. nickname of paiderastai, AP12.250 (Strat.), cf.
Pl.Phdr. 241d.
Paiderast-ês , ou, ho, A. lover of
boys, mostly in bad sense, Ar.Ach.265(lyr.),
X.An.7.4.7, Pl. Smp.192b, Eub.130, etc.
Aristophanes, Acharnians DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, Phales,1 companion of the orgies of Bacchus, night reveller, god of
adultery, friend of young men, these past six2 years I
have not been able to invoke thee. With what joy I
return to my farmstead, thanks to the truce I have
concluded, freed from cares, from fighting and from
Lamachuses!3 How much sweeter, oh Phales, oh, Phales,
is it to surprise Thratta, the pretty woodmaid,
Strymodorus' slave, stealing wood from Mount Phelleus,
to catch her under the arms, to throw her on the
ground and possess her, Oh, Phales, Phales! If thou
wilt drink and bemuse thyself with me, we shall
to-morrow consume some good dish in honour of the
peace, and I will hang up my buckler over the smoking
hearth.
1 The god of
generation, worshipped in the form of a phallus.
2 A remark which
fixes the date of the production of The Acharnians,
viz. the sixth year of the Peloponnesian War, 426 B.C.
3 Lamachus was an
Athenian general, who figures later in this comedy
CHORUS
It is he, he himself. Stone him, stone him, stone him,
strike the wretch. All, all of you, pelt him, pelt him!
DICAEOPOLIS
What is this? By Heracles, you will smash my pot.
CHORUS
It is you that we are stoning, you miserable scoundrel.
DICAEOPOLIS
And for what sin, Acharnian Elders, tell me that!
CHORUS
You ask that, you impudent rascal, traitor to your country;
you alone amongst us all have concluded a truce, and you
dare to look us in the face!
DICAEOPOLIS
But you do not know WHY I have treated for peace. Listen!
CHORUS
Listen to you? No, no, you are about to die, we will
annihilate you with our stones.
DICAEOPOLIS
But first of all, listen. Stop, my friends.
CHORUS
I will hear nothing; do not address me; I hate you more than
I do Cleon, whom one day I shall flay to make sandals for
the Knights. Listen to your long speeches, after you have
treated with the Laconians? No, I will punish you.
DICAEOPOLIS
Friends, leave the Laconians out of debate and consider only
whether I have not done well to conclude my truce.
CHORUS
Done well! when you have treated with a people who know
neither gods, nor truth, nor faith.
DICAEOPOLIS
We attribute too much to the Laconians; as for myself, I
know that they are not the cause of all our troubles.
CHORUS
Oh, indeed, rascal! You dare to use such language to me and
then expect me to spare you!
DICAEOPOLIS
No, no, they are not the cause of all our troubles, and I
who address you claim to be able to prove that they have
much to complain of in us.
CHORUS
This passes endurance; my heart bounds with fury. Thus you
dare to defend our enemies.
DICAEOPOLIS
Were my head on the block I would uphold what I say and rely
on the approval of the people.
CHORUS
Comrades, let us hurl our stones and dye this fellow purple.
DICAEOPOLIS
What black fire-brand has inflamed your heart! You will not
hear me? You really will not, Acharnians?
CHORUS
No, a thousand times, no.
DICAEOPOLIS
This is a hateful injustice.
CHORUS
May I die, if I listen.
DICAEOPOLIS
Nay, nay! have mercy, have mercy, Acharnians.
CHORUS
You shall die.
DICAEOPOLIS
Well, blood for blood! I will kill your dearest friend. I
have here the hostages of Acharnae; I shall disembowel them.
CHORUS
Acharnians, what means this threat? Has he got one of our
children in his house? What gives him such audacity?
DICAEOPOLIS
Stone me, if it please you; I shall avenge myself on this.
(SHOWS A BASKET.) Let us see whether you have any love for
your coals.
CHORUS
Great Gods! this basket is our fellow-citizen. Stop, stop,
in heaven's name!
DICAEOPOLIS
I shall dismember it despite your cries; I will listen to
nothing.
CHORUS
How! will you kill this coal-basket, my beloved comrade?
DICAEOPOLIS
Just now, you would not listen to me.
CHORUS
Well, speak now, if you will; tell us, tell us you have a
weakness for the Lacedaemonians. I consent to anything;
never will I forsake this dear little basket.
DICAEOPOLIS
First, throw down your stones.
CHORUS
There! 'tis done. And you, do put away your sword.
DICAEOPOLIS
Let me see that no stones remain concealed in your cloaks.
CHORUS
They are all on the ground; see how we shake our garments.
Come, no haggling, lay down your sword; we threw away
everything while crossing from one side of the stage to the
other.
DICAEOPOLIS
What cries of anguish you would have uttered had these coals
of Parnes been dismembered, and yet it came very near it;
had they perished, their death would have been due to the
folly of their fellow-citizens. The poor basket was so
frightened, look, it has shed a thick black dust over me,
the same as a cuttle-fish does. What an irritable temper!
You shout and throw stones, you will not hear my
arguments--not even when I propose to speak in favour of the
Lacedaemonians with my head on the block; and yet I cling to
life.
CHORUS
Well then, bring out a block before your door, scoundrel,
and let us hear the good grounds you can give us; I am
curious to know them. Now mind, as you proposed yourself,
place your head on the block and speak.
DICAEOPOLIS
Here is the block; and, though I am but a very sorry
speaker, I wish nevertheless to talk freely of the
Lacedaemonians and without the protection of my buckler. Yet
I have many reasons for fear. I know our rustics; they are
delighted if some braggart comes, and rightly or wrongly,
loads both them and their city with praise and flattery;
they do not see that such toad-eaters are traitors, who sell
them for gain. As for the old men, I know their weakness;
they only seek to overwhelm the accused with their votes.
Nor have I forgotten how Cleon treated me because of my
comedy last year; he dragged me before the Senate and there
he uttered endless slanders against me; 'twas a tempest of
abuse, a deluge of lies. Through what a slough of mud he
dragged me! I almost perished. Permit me, therefore, before
I speak, to dress in the manner most likely to draw pity.
CHORUS
What evasions, subterfuges and delays! Hold! here is the
sombre helmet of Pluto with its thick bristling plume;
Hieronymus lends it to you; then open Sisyphus' bag of
wiles; but hurry, hurry, pray, for discussion does not admit
of delay.
DICAEOPOLIS
The time has come for me to manifest my courage, so I will
go and seek Euripides. Ho! slave, slave!
SLAVE
Who's there?
DICAEOPOLIS
Is Euripides at home?
SLAVE
He is and he isn't; understand that, if you have wit for't.
DICAEOPOLIS
How? He is and he isn't!
SLAVE
Certainly, old man; busy gathering subtle fancies here and
there, his mind is not in the house, but he himself is;
perched aloft, he is composing a tragedy.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, Euripides, you are indeed happy to have a slave so quick
at repartee! Now, fellow, call your master.
SLAVE
Impossible!
DICAEOPOLIS
So much the worse. But I will not go. Come, let us knock at
the door. Euripides, my little Euripides, my darling
Euripides, listen; never had man greater right to your pity.
It is Dicaeopolis of the Chollidan Deme who calls you. Do
you hear?
EURIPIDES
I have no time to waste.
DICAEOPOLIS
Very well, have yourself wheeled out here.
EURIPIDES
Impossible.
DICAEOPOLIS
Nevertheless...
EURIPIDES
Well, let them roll me out; as to coming down, I have not
the time.
DICAEOPOLIS
Euripides....
EURIPIDES
What words strike my ear?
DICAEOPOLIS
You perch aloft to compose tragedies, when you might just as
well do them on the ground. I am not astonished at your
introducing cripples on the stage. And why dress in these
miserable tragic rags? I do not wonder that your heroes are
beggars. But, Euripides, on my knees I beseech you, give me
the tatters of some old piece; for I have to treat the
Chorus to a long speech, and if I do it ill it is all over
with me.
EURIPIDES
What rags do you prefer? Those in which I rigged out Aeneus
on the stage, that unhappy, miserable old man?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, I want those of some hero still more unfortunate.
EURIPIDES
Of Phoenix, the blind man?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, not of Phoenix, you have another hero more unfortunate
than him.
EURIPIDES
Now, what tatters DOES he want? Do you mean those of the
beggar Philoctetes?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, of another far more the mendicant.
EURIPIDES
Is it the filthy dress of the lame fellow, Bellerophon?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, 'tis not Bellerophon; he, whom I mean, was not only lame
and a beggar, but boastful and a fine speaker.
EURIPIDES
Ah! I know, it is Telephus, the Mysian.
DICAEOPOLIS
Yes, Telephus. Give me his rags, I beg of you.
EURIPIDES
Slave! give him Telephus' tatters; they are on top of the
rags of Thyestes and mixed with those of Ino.
SLAVE
Catch hold! here they are.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh! Zeus, whose eye pierces everywhere and embraces all,
permit me to assume the most wretched dress on earth.
Euripides, cap your kindness by giving me the little Mysian
hat, that goes so well with these tatters. I must to-day
have the look of a beggar; "be what I am, but not appear to
be"; the audience will know well who I am, but the Chorus
will be fools enough not to, and I shall dupe 'em with my
subtle phrases.
EURIPIDES
I will give you the hat; I love the clever tricks of an
ingenious brain like yours.
DICAEOPOLIS
Rest happy, and may it befall Telephus as I wish. Ah! I
already feel myself filled with quibbles. But I must have a
beggar's staff.
EURIPIDES
Here you are, and now get you gone from this porch.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, my soul! You see how you are driven from this house,
when I still need so many accessories. But let us be
pressing, obstinate, importunate. Euripides, give me a
little basket with a lamp alight inside.
EURIPIDES
Whatever do you want such a thing as that for?
DICAEOPOLIS
I do not need it, but I want it all the same.
EURIPIDES
You importune me; get you gone!
DICAEOPOLIS
Alas! may the gods grant you a destiny as brilliant as your
mother's.
EURIPIDES
Leave me in peace.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, just a little broken cup.
EURIPIDES
Take it and go and hang yourself. What a tiresome fellow!
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! you do not know all the pain you cause me. Dear, good
Euripides, nothing beyond a small pipkin stoppered with a
sponge.
EURIPIDES
Miserable man! You are robbing me of an entire tragedy.
Here, take it and be off.
DICAEOPOLIS
I am going, but, great gods! I need one thing more; unless I
have it, I am a dead man. Hearken, my little Euripides, only
give me this and I go, never to return. For pity's sake, do
give me a few small herbs for my basket.
EURIPIDES
You wish to ruin me then. Here, take what you want; but it
is all over with my pieces!
DICAEOPOLIS
I won't ask another thing; I'm going. I am too importunate
and forget that I rouse against me the hate of kings.--Ah!
wretch that I am! I am lost! I have forgotten one thing,
without which all the rest is as nothing. Euripides, my
excellent Euripides, my dear little Euripides, may I die if
I ask you again for the smallest present; only one, the
last, absolutely the last; give me some of the chervil your
mother left you in her will.
EURIPIDES
Insolent hound! Slave, lock the door!
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, my soul! I must go away without the chervil. Art thou
sensible of the dangerous battle we are about to engage upon
in defending the Lacedaemonians? Courage, my soul, we must
plunge into the midst of it. Dost thou hesitate and art thou
fully steeped in Euripides? That's right! do not falter, my
poor heart, and let us risk our head to say what we hold for
truth. Courage and boldly to the front. I wonder I am so
brave.
CHORUS
What do you purport doing? what are you going to say? What
an impudent fellow! what a brazen heart! to dare to stake
his head and uphold an opinion contrary to that of us all!
And he does not tremble to face this peril. Come, it is you
who desired it, speak!
DICAEOPOLIS
Spectators, be not angered if, although I am a beggar, I
dare in a Comedy to speak before the people of Athens of the
public weal; Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right.
I shall not please, but I shall say what is true. Besides,
Cleon shall not be able to accuse me of attacking Athens
before strangers; we are by ourselves at the festival of the
Lenaea; the period when our allies send us their tribute and
their soldiers is not yet. Here is only the pure wheat
without chaff; as to the resident strangers settled among
us, they and the citizens are one, like the straw and the
ear.
I detest the Lacedaemonians with all my heart, and may
Posidon, the god of Taenarus, cause an earthquake and
overturn their dwellings! My vines also have been cut. But
come (there are only friends who hear me), why accuse the
Laconians of all our woes? Some men (I do not say the city,
note particularly that I do not say the city), some
wretches, lost in vices, bereft of honour, who were not even
citizens of good stamp, but strangers, have accused the
Megarians of introducing their produce fraudulently, and not
a cucumber, a leveret, a sucking pig, a clove of garlic, a
lump of salt was seen without its being said, "Halloa! these
come from Megara," and their being instantly confiscated.
Thus far the evil was not serious and we were the only
sufferers. But now some young drunkards go to Megara and carry
off the courtesan Simaetha; the Megarians,
hurt to the quick, run off in turn with two harlots of the
house of Aspasia; and so for three gay women
Greece is set ablaze.
Then Pericles, aflame with ire on his
Olympian height, let loose the lightning, caused the
thunder to roll, upset Greece and passed an edict, which
ran like the song, "That the Megarians be banished both
from our land and from our markets and from the sea and
from the continent." Meanwhile the Megarians, who were
beginning to die of hunger, begged the Lacedaemonians to
bring about the abolition of the decree, of which those
harlots were the cause; several times we refused their
demand; and from that time there was horrible clatter of
arms everywhere. You will say that Sparta was wrong, but
what should she have done? Answer that. Suppose that a
Lacedaemonian had seized a little Seriphian dog on any
pretext and had sold it, would you have endured it
quietly? Far from it, you would at once have sent three
hundred vessels to sea, and what an uproar there would
have been through all the city! there 'tis a band of noisy
soldiery, here a brawl about the election of a Trierarch;
elsewhere pay is being
distributed, the Pallas figure-heads are being regilded,
crowds are surging under the market porticos,
encumbered with wheat that is being measured, wine-skins,
oar-leathers, garlic, olives, onions in nets;
everywhere are chaplets, sprats, flute-girls,
black eyes; in the arsenal bolts are being noisily driven
home, sweeps are being made and fitted with leathers;
we hear nothing but the sound of whistles, of flutes
and fifes to encourage the work-folk. That is what
you assuredly would have done, and would not Telephus have
done the same? So I come to my general conclusion; we have
no common sense.
FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
Oh! wretch! oh! infamous man! You are naught but a beggar
and yet you dare to talk to us like this! you insult their
worships the informers!
SECOND SEMI-CHORUS
By Posidon! he speaks the truth; he has not lied in a single
detail.
FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
But though it be true, need he say it? But you'll have no
great cause to be proud of your insolence!
SECOND SEMI-CHORUS
Where are you running to? Don't you move; if you strike this
man, I shall be at you.
FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
Lamachus, whose glance flashes lightning, whose plume
petrifies thy foes, help! Oh! Lamachus, my friend, the hero
of my tribe and all of you, both officers and soldiers,
defenders of our walls, come to my aid; else is it all over
with me!
LAMACHUS
Whence comes this cry of battle? where must I bring my aid?
where must I sow dread? who wants me to uncase my dreadful
Gorgon's head?
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, Lamachus, great hero! Your plumes and your cohorts
terrify me.
CHORUS
This man, Lamachus, incessantly abuses Athens.
LAMACHUS
You are but a mendicant and you dare to use language of this
sort?
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, brave Lamachus, forgive a beggar who speaks at hazard.
LAMACHUS
But what have you said? Let us hear.
DICAEOPOLIS
I know nothing about it; the sight of weapons makes me
dizzy. Oh! I adjure you, take that fearful Gorgon somewhat
farther away.
LAMACHUS
There.
DICAEOPOLIS
Now place it face downwards on the ground.
LAMACHUS
It is done.
DICAEOPOLIS
Give me a plume out of your helmet.
LAMACHUS
Here is a feather.
DICAEOPOLIS
And hold my head while I vomit; the plumes have turned my
stomach.
LAMACHUS
Hah! what are you proposing to do? do you want to make
yourself vomit with this feather?
DICAEOPOLIS
Is it a feather? what bird's? a braggart's?
LAMACHUS
Ah! ah! I will rip you open.
DICAEOPOLIS
No, no, Lamachus! Violence is out of place here! But as you
are so strong, why did you not circumcise me? You have all
the tools you want for the operation there.
LAMACHUS
A beggar dares thus address a general!
DICAEOPOLIS
How? Am I a beggar?
LAMACHUS
What are you then?
DICAEOPOLIS
Who am I? A good citizen, not ambitious; a soldier, who has
fought well since the outbreak of the war, whereas you are
but a vile mercenary.
LAMACHUS
They elected me...
DICAEOPOLIS
Yes, three cuckoos did! If I have concluded peace, 'twas
disgust that drove me; for I see men with hoary heads in the
ranks and young fellows of your age shirking service. Some
are in Thrace getting an allowance of three drachmae, such
fellows as Tisamenophoenippus and Panurgipparchides. The
others are with Chares or in Chaonia, men like
Geretotheodorus and Diomialazon; there are some of the same
kidney, too, at Camarina and at Gela, the laughing-stock of
all and sundry.
LAMACHUS
They were elected.
DICAEOPOLIS
And why do you always receive your pay, when none of these
others ever gets any? Speak, Marilades, you have grey hair;
well then, have you ever been entrusted with a mission? See!
he shakes his head. Yet he is an active as well as a prudent
man. And you, Dracyllus, Euphorides or Prinides, have you
knowledge of Ecbatana or Chaonia? You say no, do you not?
Such offices are good for the son of Caesyra and Lamachus,
who, but yesterday ruined with debt, never pay their shot,
and whom all their friends avoid as foot passengers dodge
the folks who empty their slops out of window.
LAMACHUS
Oh! in freedom's name! are such exaggerations to be borne?
DICAEOPOLIS
Lamachus is well content; no doubt he is well paid, you
know.
LAMACHUS
But I propose always to war with the Peloponnesians, both at
sea, on land and everywhere to make them tremble, and
trounce them soundly.
DICAEOPOLIS
For my own part, I make proclamation to all Peloponnesians,
Megarians and Boeotians, that to them my markets are open;
but I debar Lamachus from entering them.
CHORUS
Convinced by this man's speech, the folk have changed their
view and approve him for having concluded peace. But let us
prepare for the recital of the parabasis.
Never since our poet presented Comedies, has he praised
himself upon the stage; but, having been slandered by his
enemies amongst the volatile Athenians, accused of scoffing
at his country and of insulting the people, to-day he wishes
to reply and regain for himself the inconstant Athenians. He
maintains that he has done much that is good for you; if you
no longer allow yourselves to be too much hoodwinked by
strangers or seduced by flattery, if in politics you are no
longer the ninnies you once were, it is thanks to him.
Formerly, when delegates from other cities wanted to deceive
you, they had but to style you, "the people crowned with
violets," and at the word "violets" you at once sat erect on
the tips of your bums. Or if, to tickle your vanity, someone
spoke of "rich and sleek Athens," in return for that
"sleekness" he would get all, because he spoke of you as he
would have of anchovies in oil. In cautioning you against
such wiles, the poet has done you great service as well as
in forcing you to understand what is really the democratic
principle. Thus, the strangers, who came to pay their
tributes, wanted to see this great poet, who had dared to
speak the truth to Athens. And so far has the fame of his
boldness reached that one day the Great King, when
questioning the Lacedaemonian delegates, first asked them
which of the two rival cities was the superior at sea, and
then immediately demanded at which it was that the comic
poet directed his biting satire. "Happy that city," he
added, "if it listens to his counsel; it will grow in power,
and its victory is assured." This is why the Lacedaemonians
offer you peace, if you will cede them Aegina; not that they
care for the isle, but they wish to rob you of your poet. As
for you, never lose him, who will always fight for the cause
of justice in his Comedies; he promises you that his
precepts will lead you to happiness, though he uses neither
flattery, nor bribery, nor intrigue, nor deceit; instead of
loading you with praise, he will point you to the better
way. I scoff at Cleon's tricks and plotting; honesty and
justice shall fight my cause; never will you find me a
political poltroon, a prostitute to the highest bidder.
I invoke thee, Acharnian Muse, fierce and fell as
the devouring fire; sudden as the spark that bursts from the
crackling oaken coal when roused by the quickening fan to
fry little fishes, while others knead the dough or whip the
sharp Thasian pickle with rapid hand, so break forth, my
Muse, and inspire thy tribesmen with rough, vigorous,
stirring strains.
We others, now old men and heavy with years, we reproach
the city; so many are the victories we have gained for the
Athenian fleets that we well deserve to be cared for in our
declining life; yet far from this, we are ill-used, harassed
with law-suits, delivered over to the scorn of stripling
orators. Our minds and bodies being ravaged with age,
Posidon should protect us, yet we have no other support than
a staff. When standing before the judge, we can scarcely
stammer forth the fewest words, and of justice we see but
its barest shadow, whereas the accuser, desirous of
conciliating the younger men, overwhelms us with his ready
rhetoric; he drags us before the judge, presses us with
questions, lays traps for us; the onslaught troubles, upsets
and ruins poor old Tithonus, who, crushed with age, stands
tongue-tied; sentenced to a fine, he weeps, he sobs and says
to his friend, "This fine robs me of the last trifle that
was to have bought my coffin."
Is this not a scandal? What! the clepsydra is to kill the
white-haired veteran, who, in fierce fighting, has so oft
covered himself with glorious sweat, whose valour at
Marathon saved the country! 'Twas we who pursued on the
field of Marathon, whereas now 'tis wretches who pursue us
to the death and crush us! What would Marpsias reply to
this? What an injustice that a man, bent with age like
Thucydides, should be brow-beaten by this braggart advocate,
Cephisodemus, who is as savage as the Scythian desert he was
born in! Is it not to convict him from the outset? I wept
tears of pity when I saw an Archer maltreat this old man,
who, by Ceres, when he was young and the true Thucydides,
would not have permitted an insult from Ceres herself! At
that date he would have floored ten orators, he would have
terrified three thousand Archers with his shouts; he would
have pierced the whole line of the enemy with his shafts.
Ah! but if you will not leave the aged in peace, decree that
the advocates be matched; thus the old man will only be
confronted with a toothless greybeard, the young will fight
with the braggart, the ignoble with the son of Clinias; make
a law that in the future, the old man can only be summoned
and convicted at the courts by the aged and the young man by
the youth.
DICAEOPOLIS
These are the confines of my market-place. All
Peloponnesians, Megarians, Boeotians, have the right to come
and trade here, provided they sell their wares to me and not
to Lamachus. As market-inspectors I appoint these three
whips of Leprean leather, chosen by lot. Warned away are all
informers and all men of Phasis. They are bringing me the
pillar on which the treaty is inscribed and I shall erect it
in the centre of the market, well in sight of all.
A MEGARIAN Hail! market of Athens, beloved of Megarians.
Let Zeus, the patron of friendship, witness, I regretted you
as a mother mourns her son. Come, poor little daughters of
an unfortunate father, try to find something to eat; listen
to me with the full heed of an empty belly. Which would you
prefer? To be sold or to cry with hunger?
DAUGHTERS
To be sold, to be sold!
MEGARIAN
That is my opinion too. But who would make so sorry a deal
as to buy you? Ah! I recall me a Megarian trick; I am going
to disguise you as little porkers, that I am offering for
sale. Fit your hands with these hoofs and take care to
appear the issue of a sow of good breed, for, if I am forced
to take you back to the house, by Hermes! you will suffer
cruelly of hunger! Then fix on these snouts and cram
yourselves into this sack. Forget not to grunt and to say
wee-wee like the little pigs that are sacrificed in the
Mysteries. I must summon Dicaeopolis. Where is be?
Dicaeopolis, do you want to buy some nice little porkers?
DICAEOPOLIS
Who are you? a Megarian?
MEGARIAN
I have come to your market.
DICAEOPOLIS
Well, how are things at Megara?
MEGARIAN
We are crying with hunger at our firesides.
DICAEOPOLIS
The fireside is jolly enough with a piper. But what else is
doing at Megara, eh?
MEGARIAN
What else? When I left for the market, the authorities were
taking steps to let us die in the quickest manner.
DICAEOPOLIS
That is the best way to get you out of all your troubles.
MEGARIAN
True.
DICAEOPOLIS
What other news of Megara? What is wheat selling at?
MEGARIAN
With us it is valued as highly as the very gods in heaven!
DICAEOPOLIS
Is it salt that you are bringing?
MEGARIAN
Are you not holding back the salt?
DICAEOPOLIS
'Tis garlic then?
MEGARIAN
What! garlic! do you not at every raid grub up the ground
with your pikes to pull out every single head?
DICAEOPOLIS
What DO you bring then?
MEGARIAN
Little sows, like those they immolate at the Mysteries.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! very well, show me them.
MEGARIAN
They are very fine; feel their weight. See! how fat and
fine.
DICAEOPOLIS
But what is this?
MEGARIAN
A SOW, for a certainty.
DICAEOPOLIS
You say a sow! Of what country, then?
MEGARIAN
From Megara. What! is it not a sow then?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, I don't believe it is.
MEGARIAN
This is too much! what an incredulous man! He says 'tis not
a sow; but we will stake, an you will, a measure of salt
ground up with thyme, that in good Greek this is called a
sow and nothing else.
DICAEOPOLIS
But a sow of the human kind.
MEGARIAN
Without question, by Diocles! of my own breed! Well! What
think you? will you hear them squeal?
DICAEOPOLIS
Well, yes, I' faith, I will.
MEGARIAN
Cry quickly, wee sowlet; squeak up, hussy, or by Hermes! I
take you back to the house.
GIRL
Wee-wee, wee-wee!
MEGARIAN
Is that a little sow, or not?
DICAEOPOLIS
Yes, it seems so; but let it grow up, and it will be a fine
fat bitch.
MEGARIAN
In five years it will be just like its mother.
DICAEOPOLIS
But it cannot be sacrificed.
MEGARIAN
And why not?
DICAEOPOLIS
It has no tail.
MEGARIAN
Because it is quite young, but in good time it will have a
big one, thick and red.
DICAEOPOLIS
The two are as like as two peas.
MEGARIAN
They are born of the same father and mother; let them be
fattened, let them grow their bristles, and they will be the
finest sows you can offer to Aphrodite.
DICAEOPOLIS
But sows are not immolated to Aphrodite.
MEGARIAN
Not sows to Aphrodite! Why, 'tis the only goddess to whom
they are offered! the flesh of my sows will be excellent on
the spit.
DICAEOPOLIS
Can they eat alone? They no longer need their mother!
MEGARIAN
Certainly not, nor their father.
DICAEOPOLIS
What do they like most?
MEGARIAN
Whatever is given them; but ask for yourself.
DICAEOPOLIS
Speak! little sow.
DAUGHTER
Wee-wee, wee-wee!
DICAEOPOLIS
Can you eat chick-pease?
DAUGHTER
Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee!
DICAEOPOLIS
And Attic figs?
DAUGHTER
Wee-wee, wee-wee!
DICAEOPOLIS
What sharp squeaks at the name of figs. Come, let some figs
be brought for these little pigs. Will they eat them?
Goodness! how they munch them, what a grinding of teeth,
mighty Heracles! I believe those pigs hail from the land of
the Voracians. But surely 'tis impossible they have bolted
all the figs!
MEGARIAN
Yes, certainly, bar this one that I took from them.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! what funny creatures! For what sum will you sell them?
MEGARIAN
I will give you one for a bunch of garlic, and the other, if
you like, for a quart measure of salt.
DICAEOPOLIS
I buy them of you. Wait for me here.
MEGARIAN
The deal is done. Hermes, god of good traders, grant I may
sell both my wife and my mother in the same way!
AN INFORMER
Hi! fellow, what countryman are you?
MEGARIAN
I am a pig-merchant from Megara.
INFORMER
I shall denounce both your pigs and yourself as public
enemies.
MEGARIAN
Ah! here our troubles begin afresh!
INFORMER
Let go that sack. I will punish your Megarian lingo!
MEGARIAN
Dicaeopolis, Dicaeopolis, they want to denounce me.
DICAEOPOLIS
Who dares do this thing? Inspectors, drive out the
informers. Ah! you offer to enlighten us without a lamp!
INFORMER
What! I may not denounce our enemies?
DICAEOPOLIS
Have a care for yourself, if you don't go off pretty quick
to denounce elsewhere.
MEGARIAN
What a plague to Athens!
DICAEOPOLIS
Be reassured, Megarian. Here is the price for your two
swine, the garlic and the salt. Farewell and much happiness!
MEGARIAN
Ah! we never have that amongst us.
DICAEOPOLIS
Well! may the inopportune wish apply to myself.
MEGARIAN
Farewell, dear little sows, and seek, far from your father,
to munch your bread with salt, if they give you any.
CHORUS
Here is a man truly happy. See how everything succeeds to
his wish. Peacefully seated in his market, he will earn his
living; woe to Ctesias, and all other informers who dare to
enter there! You will not be cheated as to the value of
wares, you will not again see Prepis wiping his foul rump,
nor will Cleonymus jostle you; you will take your walks,
clothed in a fine tunic, without meeting Hyperbolus and his
unceasing quibblings, without being accosted on the public
place by any importunate fellow,
neither by Cratinus, shaven in the fashion of the debauchees,
nor by this musician, who plagues us with his
silly improvisations, Artemo, with his arm-pits
stinking as foul as a goat, like his father before
him. You will not be the butt of the villainous Pauson's
jeers, nor of Lysistratus, the disgrace of the Cholargian
deme, who is the incarnation of all the vices, and endures
cold and hunger more than thirty days in the month.
A BOEOTIAN By Heracles! my shoulder is quite black and
blue. Ismenias, put the penny-royal down there very gently,
and all of you, musicians from Thebes, pipe with
your bone flutes into a dog's rump.
DICAEOPOLIS
Enough, enough, get you gone. Rascally hornets, away with
you! Whence has sprung this accursed swarm of Charis
fellows which comes assailing my door?
BOEOTIAN
Ah! by Iolas! Drive them off, my dear host, you will please
me immensely; all the way from Thebes, they were there piping
behind me and have completely stripped my penny-royal of its
blossom. But will you buy anything of me, some chickens or
some locusts?
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! good day, Boeotian, eater of good round loaves. What do
you bring?
BOEOTIAN
All that is good in Boeotia, marjoram, penny-royal,
rush-mats, lamp-wicks, ducks, jays, woodcocks, water-fowl,
wrens, divers.
DICAEOPOLIS
'Tis a very hail of birds that beats down on my market.
BOEOTIAN
I also bring geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats, lyres,
martins, otters and eels from the Copaic lake.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! my friend, you, who bring me the most delicious of fish,
let me salute your eels.
BOEOTIAN
Come, thou, the eldest of my fifty Copaic virgins, come and
complete the joy of our host.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh! my well-beloved, thou object of my long regrets, thou
art here at last then, thou, after whom the comic poets
sigh, thou, who art dear to Morychus. Slaves, hither with
the stove and the bellows. Look at this charming eel, that
returns to us after six long years of absence. Salute it, my
children; as for myself, I will supply coal to do honour to
the stranger. Take it into my house; death itself could not
separate me from her, if cooked with beet leaves.
BOEOTIAN
And what will you give me in return?
DICAEOPOLIS
It will pay for your market dues. And as to the rest, what
do you wish to sell me?
BOEOTIAN
Why, everything.
DICAEOPOLIS
On what terms? For ready-money or in wares from these parts?
BOEOTIAN
I would take some Athenian produce, that we have not got in
Boeotia.
DICAEOPOLIS
Phaleric anchovies, pottery?
BOEOTIAN
Anchovies, pottery? But these we have. I want produce that
is wanting with us and that is plentiful here.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! I have the very thing; take away an Informer, packed up
carefully as crockery-ware.
BOEOTIAN
By the twin gods! I should earn big money, if I took one; I
would exhibit him as an ape full of spite.
DICAEOPOLIS
Hah! here we have Nicarchus, who comes to denounce you.
BOEOTIAN
How small he is!
DICAEOPOLIS
But in his case the whole is one mass of ill-nature.
NICARCHUS
Whose are these goods?
DICAEOPOLIS
Mine; they come from Boeotia, I call Zeus to witness.
NICARCHUS
I denounce them as coming from an enemy's country.
BOEOTIAN
What! you declare war against birds?
NICARCHUS
And I am going to denounce you too.
BOEOTIAN
What harm have I done you?
NICARCHUS
I will say it for the benefit of those that listen; you
introduce lamp-wicks from an enemy's country.
DICAEOPOLIS
Then you go as far as denouncing a wick.
NICARCHUS
It needs but one to set an arsenal afire.
DICAEOPOLIS
A wick set an arsenal ablaze! But how, great gods?
NICARCHUS
Should a Boeotian attach it to an insect's wing, and, taking
advantage of a violent north wind, throw it by means of a
tube into the arsenal and the fire once get hold of the
vessels, everything would soon be devoured by the flames.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! wretch! an insect and a wick devour everything! (HE
STRIKES HIM.)
NICARCHUS (TO THE CHORUS)
You will bear witness, that he mishandles me.
DICAEOPOLIS
Shut his mouth. Give me some hay; I am going to pack him up
like a vase, that he may not get broken on the road.
CHORUS
Pack up your goods carefully, friend; that the stranger may
not break it when taking it away.
DICAEOPOLIS
I shall take great care with it, for one would say he is
cracked already; he rings with a false note, which the gods
abhor.
CHORUS
But what will be done with him?
DICAEOPOLIS
This is a vase good for all purposes; it will be used as a
vessel for holding all foul things, a mortar for pounding
together law-suits, a lamp for spying upon accounts, and as
a cup for the mixing up and poisoning of everything.
CHORUS
None could ever trust a vessel for domestic use that has
such a ring about it.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh! it is strong, my friend, and will never get broken, if
care is taken to hang it head downwards.
CHORUS
There! it is well packed now!
BOEOTIAN
Marry, I will proceed to carry off my bundle.
CHORUS
Farewell, worthiest of strangers, take this informer, good
for anything, and fling him where you like.
DICAEOPOLIS
Bah! this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack! Here!
Boeotian, pick up your pottery.
BOEOTIAN
Stoop, Ismenias, that I may put it on your shoulder, and be
very careful with it.
DICAEOPOLIS
You carry nothing worth having; however, take it, for you
will profit by your bargain; the Informers will bring you
luck.
A SERVANT OF LAMACHUS Dicaeopolis!
DICAEOPOLIS
What do you want crying this gait?
SERVANT
Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups, and I come by his
order to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three
more for a Copaic eel.
DICAEOPOLIS
And who is this Lamachus, who demands an eel?
SERVANT
'Tis the terrible, indefatigable Lamachus, who is always
brandishing his fearful Gorgon's head and the three plumes
which o'ershadow his helmet.
DICAEOPOLIS
No, no, he will get nothing, even though he gave me his
buckler. Let him eat salt fish, while he shakes his plumes,
and, if he comes here making any din, I shall call the
inspectors. As for myself, I shall take away all these
goods; I go home on thrushes' wings and black-birds'
pinions.
CHORUS
You see, citizens, you see the good fortune which this man
owes to his prudence, to his profound wisdom. You see how,
since he has concluded peace, he buys what is useful in the
household and good to eat hot. All good things flow towards
him unsought. Never will I welcome the god of war in my
house; never shall he chant the "Harmodius" at my table; he
is a sot, who comes feasting with those who are overflowing
with good things and brings all manner of mischief at his
heels. He overthrows, ruins, rips open; 'tis vain to make
him a thousand offers, "be seated, pray, drink this cup,
proffered in all friendship," he burns our vine-stocks and
brutally pours out the wine from our vineyards on the
ground. This man, on the other hand, covers his table with a
thousand dishes; proud of his good fortunes, he has had
these feathers cast before his door to show us how he lives.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, Peace! companion of fair Aphrodite and of the sweet
Graces, how charming are thy features and yet I never knew
it! Would that Eros might join me to thee, Eros, crowned
with roses as Zeuxis shows him to us! Perhaps I seem
somewhat old to you, but I am yet able to make you a
threefold offering; despite my age I could plant a long row
of vines for you; then beside these some tender cuttings
from the fig; finally a young vine-stock, loaded with fruit
and all around the field olive trees, which would furnish us
with oil, wherewith to anoint us both at the New Moons.
HERALD
List, ye people! As was the custom of your forebears, empty
a full pitcher of wine at the call of the trumpet; he, who
first sees the bottom, shall get a wine-skin as round and
plump as Ctesiphon's belly.
DICAEOPOLIS
Women, children, have you not heard? Faith! do you not heed
the herald? Quick! let the hares boil and roast merrily;
keep them a-turning; withdraw them from the flame; prepare
the chaplets; reach me the skewers that I may spit the
thrushes.
CHORUS
I envy you your wisdom and even more your good cheer.
DICAEOPOLIS
What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting?
CHORUS
Ah! true indeed!
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave! stir up the fire.
CHORUS
See, how he knows his business, what a perfect cook! How
well he understands the way to prepare a good dinner!
A HUSBANDMAN Ah! woe is me!
DICAEOPOLIS
Heracles! What have we here?
HUSBANDMAN
A most miserable man.
DICAEOPOLIS
Keep your misery for yourself.
HUSBANDMAN
Ah! friend! since you alone are enjoying peace, grant me a
part of your truce, were it but five years.
DICAEOPOLIS
What has happened to you?
HUSBANDMAN
I am ruined; I have lost a pair of steers.
DICAEOPOLIS
How?
HUSBANDMAN
The Boeotians seized them at Phyle.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! poor wretch! and yet you have not left off white?
HUSBANDMAN
Their dung made my wealth.
DICAEOPOLIS
What can I do in the matter?
HUSBANDMAN
Crying for my beasts has lost me my eyesight. Ah! if you
care for poor Dercetes of Phyle, anoint mine eyes quickly
with your balm of peace.
DICAEOPOLIS
But, my poor fellow, I do not practise medicine.
HUSBANDMAN
Come, I adjure you; perhaps I shall recover my steers.
DICAEOPOLIS
'Tis impossible; away, go and whine to the disciples of
Pittalus.
HUSBANDMAN
Grant me but one drop of peace; pour it into this reedlet.
DICAEOPOLIS
No, not a particle; go a-weeping elsewhere.
HUSBANDMAN
Oh! oh! oh! my poor beasts!
CHORUS
This man has discovered the sweetest enjoyment in peace; he
will share it with none.
DICAEOPOLIS
Pour honey over this tripe; set it before the fire to dry.
CHORUS
What lofty tones he uses! Did you hear him?
DICAEOPOLIS
Get the eels on the gridiron!
CHORUS
You are killing me with hunger; your smoke is choking your
neighbours, and you split our ears with your bawling.
DICAEOPOLIS
Have this fried and let it be nicely browned.
A BRIDESMAID Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis!
DICAEOPOLIS
Who are you?
BRIDESMAID
A young bridegroom sends you these viands from the marriage
feast.
DICAEOPOLIS
Whoever he be, I thank him.
BRIDESMAID
And in return, he prays you to pour a glass of peace into
this vase, that he may not have to go to the front and may
stay at home to do his duty to his young wife.
DICAEOPOLIS
Take back, take back your viands; for a thousand drachmae I
would not give a drop of peace; but who are you, pray?
BRIDESMAID
I am the bridesmaid; she wants to say something to you from
the bride privately.
DICAEOPOLIS
Come, what do you wish to say? (THE BRIDESMAID WHISPERS IN
HIS EAR.) Ah! what a ridiculous demand! The bride burns with
longing to keep by her her husband's weapon. Come! bring
hither my truce; to her alone will I give some of it, for
she is a woman, and, as such, should not suffer under the
war. Here, friend, reach hither your vial. And as to the
manner of applying this balm, tell the bride, when a levy of
soldiers is made to rub some in bed on her husband, where
most needed. There, slave, take away my truce! Now, quick,
bring me the wine-flagon, that I may fill up the drinking
bowls!
CHORUS
I see a man, striding along apace, with knitted brows; he
seems to us the bearer of terrible tidings.
HERALD
Oh! toils and battles, 'tis Lamachus!
LAMACHUS
What noise resounds around my dwelling, where shines the
glint of arms.
HERALD
The Generals order you forthwith to take your battalions and
your plumes, and, despite the snow, to go and guard our
borders. They have learnt that a band of Boeotians intend
taking advantage of the Feast of Cups to invade our country.
LAMACHUS
Ah! the Generals! they are numerous, but not good for much!
It's cruel, not to be able to enjoy the feast!
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh! warlike host of Lamachus!
LAMACHUS
Wretch! do you dare to jeer me?
DICAEOPOLIS
Do you want to fight this four-winged Geryon?
LAMACHUS
Oh! oh! what fearful tidings!
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! ah! I see another herald running up; what news does he
bring me?
HERALD
Dicaeopolis!
DICAEOPOLIS
What is the matter?
HERALD
Come quickly to the feast and bring your basket and
your cup; 'tis the priest of Bacchus who
invites you. But hasten, the guests have been waiting for
you a long while.
All is ready--couches, tables, cushions, chaplets,
perfumes, dainties and courtesans to boot;
biscuits, cakes, sesame-bread, tarts, lovely dancing
women, the sweetest charm of the festivity. But come
with all haste.
LAMACHUS
Oh! hostile gods!
DICAEOPOLIS
This is not astounding; you have chosen this huge, great
ugly Gorgon's head for your patron. You, shut the door, and
let someone get ready the meal.
LAMACHUS
Slave! slave! my knapsack!
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave! slave! a basket!
LAMACHUS
Take salt and thyme, slave, and don't forget the onions.
DICAEOPOLIS
Get some fish for me; I cannot bear onions.
LAMACHUS
Slave, wrap me up a little stale salt meat in a fig-leaf.
DICAEOPOLIS
And for me some good greasy tripe in a fig-leaf; I will have
it cooked here.
LAMACHUS
Bring me the plumes for my helmet.
DICAEOPOLIS
Bring me wild pigeons and thrushes.
LAMACHUS
How white and beautiful are these ostrich feathers!
DICAEOPOLIS
How fat and well browned is the flesh of this wood-pigeon!
LAMACHUS
Bring me the case for my triple plume.
DICAEOPOLIS
Pass me over that dish of hare.
LAMACHUS
OH! the moths have eaten the hair of my crest.
DICAEOPOLIS
I shall always eat hare before dinner.
LAMACHUS
Hi! friend! try not to scoff at my armor?
DICAEOPOLIS
Hi! friend! will you kindly not stare at my thrushes.
LAMACHUS
Hi! friend! will you kindly not address me.
DICAEOPOLIS
I do not address you; I am scolding my slave. Shall we wager
and submit the matter to Lamachus, which of the two is the
best to eat, a locust or a thrush?
LAMACHUS
Insolent hound!
DICAEOPOLIS
He much prefers the locusts.
LAMACHUS
Slave, unhook my spear and bring it to me.
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave, slave, take the sausage from the fire and bring it to
me.
LAMACHUS
Come, let me draw my spear from its sheath. Hold it, slave,
hold it tight.
DICAEOPOLIS
And you, slave, grip, grip well hold of the skewer.
LAMACHUS
Slave, the bracings for my shield.
DICAEOPOLIS
Pull the loaves out of the oven and bring me these bracings
of my stomach.
LAMACHUS
My round buckler with the Gorgon's head.
DICAEOPOLIS
My round cheese-cake.
LAMACHUS
What clumsy wit!
DICAEOPOLIS
What delicious cheese-cake!
LAMACHUS
Pour oil on the buckler. Hah! hah! I can see reflected there
an old man who will be accused of cowardice.
DICAEOPOLIS
Pour honey on the cake. Hah! hah! I can see an old man who
makes Lamachus of the Gorgon's head weep with rage.
LAMACHUS
Slave, full war armour.
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave, my beaker; that is MY armour.
LAMACHUS
With this I hold my ground with any foe.
DICAEOPOLIS
And I with this with any tosspot.
LAMACHUS
Fasten the strappings to the buckler; personally I shall
carry the knapsack
DICAEOPOLIS
Pack the dinner well into the basket; personally I shall
carry the cloak.
LAMACHUS
Slave, take up the buckler and let's be off. It is snowing!
Ah! 'tis a question of facing the winter.
DICAEOPOLIS
Take up the basket, 'tis a question of getting to the feast.
CHORUS
We wish you both joy on your journeys, which differ so much.
One goes to mount guard and freeze, while the other will
drink, crowned with flowers, and then sleep with a young
beauty, who will excite him readily.
I say it freely; may Zeus confound Antimachus, the
poet-historian, the son of Psacas! When Choregus at
the Lenaea, alas! alas! he dismissed me dinnerless. May I
see him devouring with his eyes a cuttle-fish, just served,
well cooked, hot and properly salted; and the moment that he
stretches his hand to help himself, may a dog seize it and
run off with it. Such is my first wish. I also hope for him
a misfortune at night. That returning all-fevered from horse
practice, he may meet an Orestes, mad with drink, who breaks
open his head; that wishing to seize a stone, he, in the
dark, may pick up a fresh stool, hurl his missile, miss aim
and hit Cratinus.
SLAVE OF LAMACHUS
Slaves of Lamachus! Water, water in a little pot! Make it
warm, get ready cloths, cerate greasy wool and bandages for
his ankle. In leaping a ditch, the master has hurt himself
against a stake; he has dislocated and twisted his ankle,
broken his head by falling on a stone, while his Gorgon shot
far away from his buckler. His mighty braggadocio plume
rolled on the ground; at this sight he uttered these doleful
words, "Radiant star, I gaze on thee for the last time; my
eyes close to all light, I die." Having said this, he falls
into the water, gets out again, meets some runaways and
pursues the robbers with his spear at their backsides. But
here he comes, himself. Get the door open.
LAMACHUS
Oh! heavens! oh! heavens! What cruel pain! I faint, I
tremble! Alas! I die! the foe's lance has struck me! But
what would hurt me most would be for Dicaeopolis to see me
wounded thus and laugh at my ill-fortune.
DICAEOPOLIS (ENTERS WITH TWO COURTESANS)
Oh! my gods! what bosoms! Hard as a quince! Come, my
treasures, give me voluptuous kisses! Glue your lips to
mine. Haha! I was the first to empty my cup.
LAMACHUS
Oh! cruel fate! how I suffer! accursed wounds!
DICAEOPOLIS
Hah! hah! hail! Knight Lamachus! (EMBRACES LAMACHUS.)
LAMACHUS
By the hostile gods! (BITES DICAEOPOLIS.)
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! Great gods!
LAMACHUS
Why do you embrace me?
DICAEOPOLIS
And why do you bite me?
LAMACHUS
'Twas a cruel score I was paying back!
DICAEOPOLIS
Scores are not evened at the Feast of Cups!
LAMACHUS
Oh! Paean, Paean!
DICAEOPOLIS
But to-day is not the feast of Paean.
LAMACHUS
Oh! support my leg, do; ah! hold it tenderly, my friends!
DICAEOPOLIS
And you, my darlings, take hold of this, both of you!
LAMACHUS
This blow with the stone makes me dizzy; my sight grows dim.
DICAEOPOLIS
For myself, I want to get to bed; I am bursting with
lustfulness, I want to be bundling in the dark.
LAMACHUS
Carry me to the surgeon Pittalus.
DICAEOPOLIS
Take me to the judges. Where is the king of the feast? The
wine-skin is mine!
LAMACHUS
That spear has pierced my bones; what torture I endure!
DICAEOPOLIS
You see this empty cup! I triumph! I triumph!
CHORUS
Old man, I come at your bidding! You triumph! you triumph!
DICAEOPOLIS
Again I have brimmed my cup with unmixed wine and drained it
at a draught!
CHORUS
You triumph then, brave champion; thine is the wine-skin!
DICAEOPOLIS
Follow me, singing "Triumph! Triumph!"
CHORUS
Aye! we will sing of thee, thee and thy sacred wine-skin,
and we all, as we follow thee, will repeat in thine honour,
"Triumph, Triumph!"
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