D'esta Love: Why Am I Afraid?
There is no fear of God before D'esta Love's Eyes Romans 3:16
There is no reason for D'este Love to know that the ONLY
meaning of WORSHIP is to fall on your face in Reverence and
Godly Fear. There is no example in Holy Scripture
(Prophets and Apostles) of God calling people out of their REST
to Preach, Listen, sing, play an instrument, act or PAY FOR
PLAY.
Holy Scripture for the Kingdom of Christ commanded to SPEAK
only His Word. That is the Prophets and other prophecies
"concerning me."
SPIRIT is never a person but a parable to FOOL anyone who wants
to SPEAK their ow word: it means that God put His WORD into the
MOUITH of Jesus for the duration of His CREATION of the
Messianic Kingdom.
2Chr. 20:18 And Jehoshaphat
bowed his head with his face to the ground:
and all Judah and the
inhabitants of Jerusalem
fell before the LORD,
worshipping the LORD.
1Cor. 14:25 And thus are
the secrets of his heart made manifest;
and so falling down
on his face he will worship God,
and report that God
is in you of a truth.
Rev. 7:11 And all the angels stood round about the
throne,
and about the
elders and the four beasts,
and fell before the
throne on their faces, and worshipped God,
Rev. 11:16 And the four and twenty elders,
which sat before God
on their seats,
fell upon their faces,
and worshipped God,
Acts 13:15 And after the reading of the law and the prophets the rulers of the synagogue sent unto them, saying, Ye men and brethren, if ye have any word of exhortation for the people, say on.
Acts 15:21 For Moses of old time hath in every city them that preach him, being read in the synagogues every sabbath day.
by D’Esta Love
March, 1992
It is a familiar setting. It is the church that has nurtured me from MY birth, and its beliefs, as well as its rhythms and practices, are ingrained in MY very being and speak to who I am in MY truest self. It is a setting pregnant with memory. It is the church at WORSHIP. It echoes the rich tones of singing, yea, even the sound of MY own voice blended with those of the congregation. If I listen, I can almost hear the sermons of MY husband and MY father before him. This is a place that breathes comfort and blessing. This is MY family; I am at home here.
This
particular occasion is a Sunday evening service with its
characteristic informality and ease,
and the church has GATHERED
to PRAY.
Our minister has set the tone for the evening
with a litany
of individual and communal needs and concerns,
blessings and praise,
and he has invited the
congregation to join him in prayer.
The invitation is clear and unmistakable, “Anyone
who wants to may pray.” There have been numerous times
before in WORSHIP services and moments for
spontaneous prayer when
I
excluded
MYself
because
I
knew that “anyone” did not mean “ME.”
However, this time
I
am certain.
I
have been invited to pray.
As I sit beside MY husband, I feel a growing eagerness and DESIRE to give voice to the words welling up—for a lifetime-within me. But this is not the privacy of someone’s home, or a gathering of women for a Bible class or special lecture series. This
is the SANCTUARY
of the gathered church at prayer,
and
I have
been invited to participate in what,
until now, has
been forbidden in
MY
religious experience.
SCRIPTURE
IDENTIFIES THE EKKLESIA OR SYNAGOGUE GATHERING FOR A PUBLIC
DEMONSTRAITON OF PRAYER:
Matt. 6:5 ¶ And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
Matt. 6:6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
Matt. 6:7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
Can I, after fifty-two years, break the silence? I listen silently and with pounding heart as one by one, with complete freedom and spontaneity, men stand again and again from all corners of the auditorium to pray. II marvel at the apparent ease with which they pray and at their unhalting flow of words that resonate with a familiarity unknown to me, and I sit frozen. I wait, and no woman stands to pray, nor do I. It is intensely intimidating. After a lifetime of silence in the sanctuary of God, I cannot utter a word.
Suddenly
and unexpectedly,
I
am caught in a deep, internal struggle. I
have been given permission, and
I want
to pray, but
I cannot.
The tears which accompany the tightening in MY throat are of hurt, , shame and fear. This is MY church home; yet, for the first time in MY life I feel fear in the house of God. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I am comfortable here. The minister has extended ME an invitation to pra y—so why am I afraid?
I am afraid because MY roots are deep in the soil of MY faith and the religious tradition of MY childhood. I am afraid because I do not want to shatter the calm or disturb the peace I feel in this place. I know that there are those present who will be offended if I pray—who will consider MY prayer a violation of a direct command from the Word of God.
Leaven, Vol. 4 [2012], Iss. 2, Art. 3
Women and Ministry 5
The “forbidden” words I am about to utter could leave turmoil in their wake. I love this church and all it represents to me and others, and I do not want to harm it.
I am afraid
because of the memories that rush into
MY
mind. I remember how I felt thirty years ago when the
elders removed Randy from
MY
Sunday school class.
He was ten
years old and had been baptized the previous week.
Thus, Randy was a baptized male believer, and it was
considered unsuitable for me, a woman, to continue
teaching him the stories of Jesus.
I also
remember, several years later, when the elders of
another congregation asked Stuart and me to teach a
Wednesday night class in the church auditorium.
At the
conclusion of our lesson on John 13, an individual
stood and expressed his disapproval and declared that we had
set a dangerous precedent.
To conclude
his remarks, he read 1 Peter 3:1-6. As I sat on the
front pew before the congregation, the words exhorting
a woman to adorn herself in “a gentle and quiet spirit”
made me feel exposed and shameful, and they ring in
MY
ears as I contemplate accepting this invitation to
pray.
1Pet. 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the WORD, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
1Pet. 3:2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1Pet. 3:3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
1Pet. 3:4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart,
in that which is not corruptible,
even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
1Pet. 3:5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
1Timothy 2:9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;THE PROPHETIC WARNING:
Isaiah 3:1 For, behold, the Lord, the LORD of hosts, doth take away from Jerusalem and from Judah the stay and the staff, the whole stay of bread, and the whole stay of water,
Isaiah 3:2 The mighty man, and the man of war, the judge, and the prophet, and the prudent, and the ancient,
Isaiah 3:3 The captain of fifty, and the honourable man, and the counseller, and the cunning artificer, and the eloquent orator.
Isaiah 3:4 And I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them.
Isaiah 3:4 et dabo pueros principes eorum et effeminati dominabuntur eis
dominabuntur Ruler,
MARK Women or the Effeminate as oratio,
MARK Women or effeminate who are consilium the person who forms the purpose,
MARK Women or the effeminate who Teach Over aedĭfĭco in a religious sense, to build up,
instruct, edify.
Isaiah 3:12 As for my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them.
O my people, they that lead thee cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths.
mŭlĭer as a term of reproach, a woman, i. e. a coward, poltroon: arbĭtror to make a decision,
give judgment or sentence: OR mŭlĭĕro, to make womanish, render effeminateBoys: -Effeminoto make womanish, effeminate, to enervate: “fortitudinis praecepta“illa elocutio
res ipsas effeminat,” “mollis, luxuriosus, dissolutus): ne quid effeminatum aut molle sit,”
Cic. Off. 1, 35, 129; cf. id. Tusc. 4, 30: “intolerabile est servire impuro, impudico, effeminato,
“illa elocutio res ipsas effeminat,” Quint. 8 prooëm. § 20.— ēlŏcūtĭo I. Transf., in rhet. lang., oratorical delivery, elocution; “furialis illa vox, religiosis altaribus effeminata,”that submits to unnatural lust: “pathicus,” Suet. Aug. 68;
“illa elocutio res ipsas effeminat,” Quint. 8 prooëm. § 20.— ēlŏcūtĭo I. Transf., in rhet. lang., oratorical delivery, elocution; “furialis illa vox, religiosis altaribus effeminata,”that submits to unnatural lust: “pathicus,” Suet. Aug. 68;Histrio, stage-player, actor, mimus, II. Transf., a boaster: “histrionis est parvam rem attollere,”
Cic. Planc. 35.86 When no one knew what were the feelings of those men who by means of their armies, and their arms, and their riches, were the most powerful men in the state, then that voice,
rendered insane by its infamous debaucheries,
made effeminate by its attendance on holy altars,
kept crying out in a most ferocious manner that both these men
and the consuls were acting in concert with him.
Needy men were armed against the rich, abandoned men against the good, slaves against their masters.
Rĕlĭgĭōsus Eccl. Lat., of or belonging to the clergy, clerical (opp. saecularis)
Per-sŏno A. To sound through and through, to resound: “cum domus cantu et cymbalis personaret,” Cic. Pis. 10, 22: “ut cotidiano cantu vocum et nervorum et tibiarum nocturnisque conviviis tota vicinitas personet,”
A. To fill with sound or noise, to make resound
B. To make a sound on a musical instrument, to sound, play: “citharā Iopas Personat,” “cymbalis,” Vulg. 1 Par. 16, 5: “buccinis,”
C. To sound or blow upon an instrument (post-class.): “personavit classicum,” gave the signal for attack,
ragoediarum histrionis, Hilarus comoediarum histrio,
Scaena, 1. Of a place like a scene of a theatreVerg. A. 1, 164.—, display of eloquence.
PUTTING ON OF APPAREL MEANS PUTTING ON CLERICAL GARB: That was a MARK Christ gave for the future kingdom.
Isaiah 3:15 What mean ye that ye beat my people to pieces, and grind the faces of the poor? saith the LORD GOD of hosts.
Isaiah 3:16 Moreover the LORD saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet:
Isaiah 3:17 Therefore the LORD will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will discover their secret parts.
Isaiah 3:18 In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon,
The effect of the feminine or effeminate rule is that:
Isaiah 3:25 Thy men shall fall by the sword, and thy mighty in the war.
I am also
afraid because
do not want an impulsive act on
MY
part to hinder any progress that has been made
concerning women and the utilization of their gifts
in the church.
ONE AND THEN ANOTHER
Yet, this is not impulsive. I have been invited to
pray. So why am
I
afraid? I am afraid of
hearing the sound of solitary voice in this place of WORSHIP
and among the congregation of the Lord.
FALL ON FACE
ACTS 17
Although I
hear the words of
MY
prayer over and over in
MY
MY
silent self, I cannot speak them. Perhaps if I had
begun as a child, I would be less fearful. After all,
we only had “training classes” for boys, and girls of
MY
generation did not pray in any setting-including
devotionals.
Is it
too late for me to bring
MY
gift to the altar? After fifty-two years
of silence, have I grown mute? Are there no words I
can utter “to ascribe thee glory and honor”?
“What language shall I borrow to thank thee, dearest
friend, for this thy dying sorrow, thy pity without
end?”
ANATHEMA,
ROMANS 12 IN SPIRIT
September, 1992
Itis
another familiar setting, but less nurturing and comforting
than the security and peace of the church at worship.
JOHN 4 in
SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH
It is Firestone Fieldhouse, the gymnasium on the campus
ofPepperdine University. The occasion is our weekly
convocation, and I have been asked by the president of
the university to open the 1992-93 academic year with a
prayer. As the dean of students, I have stood before
this audience week after week for four years. I have
presided over the program, introduced guest speakers
and even shared
MY
faith. Today, I have been asked to pray. It is a simple
thing. So why am I afraid?
SELF
SUPERCEDES SCRIPTURE
I am afraid because I have known of this assignment for weeks. It has been a weighty decision for the university, one that was made after two years of prayerful and diligent study. Although I had no part in making the decision, I participated in many of the discussions, and I am well aware of the sensitivity involved, as well as the possible ramifications. It has been a courageous decision for the university to make, and I anticipate it will be controversial. Until now, women have not been allowed to lead prayer or read scripture in our convocation programs. Today we are empowering our women to participate fully in the spiritual life of the university.
I am empowered by the significance of the moment, but I am apprehensive and fearful about the exposure, not just for the university, but for me.
I know that MY name will be attached to this prayer, and word of MY participation will spread. As the daughter of a preacher, I know too well the concern about what others will think. I fear MY motives will be critiqued by people who do not know me, in places I have never been. I also know I will be labeled and judged by individuals who do not know MY heart. And lam fearful of censure from those who know and love me.
Why am I afraid? I am fifty-two years old, and yet I fear the disapproval of MY parents. I know that MY father always encouraged MY mother and his daughters to pray at home. I also know he invited women to pray in the numerous ladies’ Bible classes he taught (a bold move in his day). But I do not know what MY parents will think about this decision and MY part in it. On the other hand, I am concerned that this public prayer will bring criticism to MY parents and their ministry, as well as to our son and his work in the Kingdom.
Why am I afraid? Due to the public nature of this prayer, I am once again haunted by memories of other public experiences in which I faced disapproval. On one such occasion, Stuart and I conducted a weekend seminar for a congregation and taught side by side in the “private” space of the fellowship hall. We were also asked to teach a combined adult Bible class on Sunday morning, conducted in the “public” space of the auditorium. Stuart introduced our lesson, while I stood at his side. The moment I began to speak, part of the audience rose and walked out. I vividly remember how the minister, after the class was over, wept unabashedly as he extended his sincere and earnest apology to us. I also remember when we were introduced to a Wednesday night audience in the auditorium of another congregation. At the last minute, it occurred to the individual presenting us to “put it to a vote” as to whether I should be allowed to teach with Stuart. One person
2
objected, so I was asked to remain seated while Stuart taught the class. These were uncomfortable moments, and 1 feel that discomfort today.
I feet a sense of obligation to others who are making this journeyj and I am empowered to make MYsetf (qiozvn.
6 Leaven, Spring, 1996
I feel the weight of the past and the responsibility placed in MY hands as I await the beginning of convocation. I express MY fears to Stuart, who stands beside me. His words ring clearer and truer than any others, “Do not be afraid. Forget about what others will think or say. When you step to the podium, just enter your closet and pray.” I feel I am being called to courage. “Prince of Peace control MY will; bid this struggling heart be still.
Bid I fears and doubtings cease; hush MY spirit into peace.”
March, 1996
I did step into MY closet when I led that prayer four years ago, and it was a singular moment in MY spiritual pilgrimage. A deep and abiding calm came over me, and I felt anointed by God’s spirit. Since then, 1 have led other prayers in convocation. There have been other invitations to pray at Sunday evening prayer services, and I have found the courage to respond. 1 am still fearful, but I am less so (in fact, I have never been comfortable leading prayer in any setting). I am discovering that most of MY fears are unfounded although a few are very real. News of MY first prayer in convocation did appear in numerous church bulletins and journals. One headline read, “A Late Item on D’Esta Love of Pepperdine University.” It informed the congregation that “There are indeed wolves among us” and concluded with a final pronouncement, “Depart from me, I NEVER knew you.” I received letters from people I did not know telling me I should “hang MY head in shame.” However, I received far more letters and calls expressing encouragement.
I also found occasion to talk with MY parents about MY fears and MY views concerning greater opportunities for women to use their gifts in the Kingdom. To MY surprise, I found they were encouraging and supportive. I regretted I had not discussed these matters with them before, but I had been afraid. Their love and support have given me courage, and we have been liberated to explore together with openness and trust the hidden and unspoken concerns of our hearts. The captives have been set free, for it is fear that enslaves us.
I am also encouraged by the prayers of other
women and am discovering that I am not alone in MY journey. I have found both men and women who are faithfully searching God’s word to discover his will as we face the issues regarding Christian ministry for women in the church. We are finding tools for the analysis of scripture which allow us to view the role of women in the larger context of scripture, rather
than allow two heavily disputed passages to relegate women to a silent role.
Also, I am much less fearful today because I see positive change taking place. The days when Randy was removed from MY Sunday school class are almost gone. Rarely are Stuart and I censured for teaching scripture together in any setting. Greater avenues of service are opening for women in the church, and we are doing a better job of helping men and women identify their gifts in the Kingdom. We have more women in graduate Bible programs in our Christian colleges, preparing to give their lives to the service of the Lord, and I am confident he will find ways to use them. We live in a time of struggle and change, but I believe it is a time of courage and hope.
This is MY personal journey, and I am becoming more courageous in MY faith. I do not mean to imply that I am “charging the gates”; I am not. But I am less content to hide behind MY “walls of silence.” I feel a sense of obligation to others who are making this journey, and I am empowered to make MYself known. I am more secure in MY understanding ol scripture that calls me to witness to MY faith, to lend MY voice in praise to MY king, to “lift up holy hands” and speak his name in prayer.
Questions for discussion:
1. Have any of you had similar experiences? Is this an experience unique to women in the church?
2. To what extent should we trust our feelings? Is something wrong simply because it causes us to uncomfortable?
3. What can we do to break down the barriers of fear and empower men and women to use their gifts freel?
4. Why does the author always place her experiences within the realm of an invitation? What is significant about an invitation, and is it necessary or helpful?
D’Esta Love is the Dean of Students at Pepperdine University and serves as an editor of Leaven.
Published by Pepperdine Digital Commons, 2012 3