The Clouds By Aristophanes
Dramatis Personae STREPSIADES PHIDIPPIDES SERVANT OF STREPSIADES
DISCIPLES OF SOCRATES SOCRATES JUST DISCOURSE UNJUST DISCOURSE
PASIAS, a Money-lender AMYNIAS, another Money-lender CHORUS OF CLOUDS
Scene In
the background are two houses, that of Strepsiades and that of
Socrates, the Thoughtery. The latter
is small and dingy; the in, terior of the former is shown and two
beds are seen, each occupied.
STREPSIADES
sitting up Great gods! will these nights
never end? will daylight never come? I heard the cock crow long ago
and my slaves are snoring still! Ah! Ah! It wasn't like this
formerly. Curses on the war! has it not done me ills enough? Now I
may not even chastise my own slaves. Again there's this brave lad,
who never wakes the whole long night, but, wrapped in his five
coverlets, farts away to his heart's content. He lies down Come! let me nestle in well and
snore too, if it be possible....oh! misery, it's vain to think of
sleep with all these expenses, this stable, these debts, which are
devouring me, thanks to this fine cavalier, who only knows how to
look after his long
locks, to show himself off in his
chariot and to dream of horses! And I, I am nearly dead, when I see
the moon bringing the third decade in her train and my liability
falling due....Slave! light the lamp and bring me my tablets.
The slave obeys. Who are all my creditors? Let me
see and reckon up the interest. What is it I owe?....Twelve minae to
Pasias....What! twelve minae to Pasias?....Why did I borrow these?
Ah! I know! It was to buy that thoroughbred, which cost me so much.
How I should have prized the stone that had blinded him! PHIDIPPIDES
in his sleep That's not fair, Philo! Drive your
chariot straight, I say. STREPSIADES
This is what is destroying me. He
raves about horses, even in his sleep. PHIDIPPIDES
still sleeping How many times round the track is
the race for the chariots of war? STREPSIADES
It's your own father you are
driving to death....to ruin. Come! what debt comes next, after that
of Pasias?....Three minae to Amynias for a chariot and its two
wheels. PHIDIPPIDES
still asleep Give the horse a good roll in the
dust and lead him home. STREPSIADES
Ah! wretched boy! it's my money
that you are making roll. My creditors have distrained on my goods,
and here are others again, who demand security for their
interest. PHIDIPPIDES
awaking What is the matter with you,
father, that you groan and turn about the whole night through?
STREPSIADES
I have a bum-bailiff in the
bedclothes biting me. PHIDIPPIDES
For pity's sake, let me have a
little sleep. He turns over. STREPSIADES
Very well, sleep on! but remember
that all these debts will fall back on your shoulders. Oh! curses on
the go-between who made me marry your mother! I lived so happily in
the country, a commonplace, everyday life, but a good and easy
one-had not a trouble, not a care, was rich in bees, in sheep and in
olives. Then indeed I had to marry the niece of
Megacles, the son of Megacles; I belonged to the country, she
was from the town; she was a haughty, extravagant woman, a true
Coesyra. On the nuptial day, when I lay beside
her, I was reeking of the dregs of the wine-cup, of cheese and
of wool; she was redolent with essences,
saffron, voluptuous kisses, the love of spending, of good cheer and
of wanton delights. I will not say she did nothing; no, she worked
hard...to ruin me, and pretending all the while merely to be showing
her the cloak she had woven for me, I said, "Wife you go too fast
about your work, your threads are too closely woven and you use far
too much wool." A slave enters witk a lamp. SLAVE
There is no more oil in the
lamp. STREPSIADES
Why then did you light such a
thirsty lamp? Come here, I am going to beat you. SLAVE
What for? STREPSIADES
Because you have put in too thick
a wick....Later, when we had this boy, what was to be his name? It
was the cause of much quarrelling with my loving wife. She insisted
on having some reference to a horse in his name, that he should be
called Xanthippus, Charippus or Callippides. I wanted to name him
Phidonides after his grandfather. We disputed long, and finally
agreed to style him Phidippides....She used to fondle and coax him,
saying, "Oh! what a joy it will be to me when you have grown up, to
see you, like my father, Megacles, clothed in purple and standing up
straight in your chariot driving your steeds toward the town." And I
would say to him, "When, like your father, you will go, dressed in a
skin, to fetch back your goats from Phelleus." Alas! he never
listened to me and his madness for horses has shattered my
fortune. He gets out of bed. But by dint of thinking the
livelong night, I have discovered a road to salvation, both
miraculous and divine. If he will but follow it, I shall be out of my
trouble! First, however, he must be awakened, but it must be done as
gently as possible. How shall I manage it? Phidippides! my little
Phidippides! PHIDIPPIDES
awaking again What is it, father? STREPSIADES
Kiss me and give me your
hand. PHIDIPPIDES
getting up and doing as his father
requests There! What's it all about?
STREPSIADES
Tell me! do you love me?
PHIDIPPIDES
By Posidon, the equestrian
Posidon! yes, I swear I do. STREPSIADES
Oh, do not, I pray you, invoke
this god of horses; he is the one who is the cause of all my cares.
But if you really love me, and with your whole heart, my boy, believe
me. PHIDIPPIDES
Believe you? about what?
STREPSIADES
Alter your habits forthwith and go
and learn what I tell you. PHIDIPPIDES
Say on, what are your
orders? STREPSIADES
Will you obey me ever so
little? PHIDIPPIDES
By Bacchus, I will obey
you. STREPSIADES
Very well then! Look this way. Do
you see that little door and that little house? PHIDIPPIDES
Yes, father. But what are you
driving at? STREPSIADES
That is the Thoughtery of wise
souls. There they prove that we are coals enclosed on all sides under
a vast snuffer, which is the sky. If well paid, these men also teach
one how to gain law-suits, whether they be just or not. PHIDIPPIDES
What do they call
themselves? STREPSIADES
I do not know exactly, but they
are deep thinkers and most admirable people. PHIDIPPIDES
Bah! the wretches! I know them;
you mean those quacks with
pale faces, those barefoot fellows,
such as that miserable Socrates and Chaerephon? STREPSIADES
Silence! say nothing foolish! If
you desire your father not to die of hunger, join their company and
let your horses go. PHIDIPPIDES
No, by Bacchus! even though you
gave me the pheasants that Leogoras raises. STREPSIADES
Oh! my beloved son, I beseech you,
go and follow their teachings. PHIDIPPIDES
And what is it I should
learn? STREPSIADES
It seems they have two courses of
reasoning, the true and the false, and that, thanks to the false, the
worst law-suits can be gained. If then you learn this science, which
is false, I shall not have to pay an obolus of all the debts I have
contracted on your account. PHIDIPPIDES
No, I will not do it. I should no
longer dare to look at our gallant horsemen, when I had so ruined my
tan. STREPSIADES
Well then, by Demeter! I will no
longer support you, neither you, nor your team, nor your
saddle-horse. Go and hang yourself, I turn you out of house and
home. PHIDIPPIDES
My uncle Megacles will not leave
me without horses; I shall go to him and laugh at your anger.
He departs. STREPSIADES goes over to
SOCRATES' house. STREPSIADES
One rebuff shall not dishearten
me. With the help of the gods I will enter the Thoughtery and learn
myself. He hesitates. But at my age, memory has gone and
the mind is slow to grasp things. How can all these fine
distinctions, these subtleties be learned? Making up his mind Bah! why should I dally thus
instead of rapping at the door? Slave, slave! He knocks and calls. A DISCIPLE
from within A plague on you! Who are
you? STREPSIADES
Strepsiades, the son of Phido, of
the deme of Cicynna. DISCIPLE
coming out of the door You are nothing but an ignorant
and illiterate fellow to let fly at the door with such kicks. You
have brought on a miscarriage-of an idea! STREPSIADES
Pardon me, please; for I live far
away from here in the country. But tell me, what was the idea that
miscarried? DISCIPLE
I may not tell it to any but a
disciple. STREPSIADES
Then tell me without fear, for I
have come to study among you. DISCIPLE
Very well then, but reflect, that
these are mysteries. Lately, a flea bit Chaerephon on the brow and
then from there sprang on to the head of Socrates. Socrates asked
Chaerephon, "How many times the length of its legs does a flea
jump?" STREPSIADES
And how ever did he go about
measuring it? DISCIPLE
Oh! it was most ingenious! He
melted some wax, seized the flea and dipped its two feet in the wax,
which, when cooled, left them shod with true Persian slippers. These
he took off and with them measured the distance. STREPSIADES
Ah! great Zeus! what a brain! what
subtlety! DISCIPLE
I wonder what then would you say,
if you knew another of Socrates' contrivances? STREPSIADES
What is it? Pray tell me.
DISCIPLE
Chaerephon of the deme of Sphettia
asked him whether he thought a gnat buzzed through its proboscis or
through its anus. STREPSIADES
And what did he say about the
gnat? DISCIPLE
He said that the gut of the gnat
was narrow, and that, in passing through this tiny passage, the air
is driven with force towards the breech; then after this slender
channel, it encountered the rump, which was distended like a trumpet,
and there it resounded sonorously. STREPSIADES
So the arse of a gnat is a
trumpet. Oh! what a splendid arsevation! Thrice happy Socrates! It
would not be difficult to succeed in a law-suit, knowing so much
about a gnat's guts! DISCIPLE
Not long ago a lizard caused him
the loss of a sublime thought. STREPSIADES
In what way, please? DISCIPLE
One night, when he was studying
the course of the moon and its revolutions and was gazing
open-mouthed at the heavens, a lizard crapped upon him from the top
of the roof. STREPSIADES
A lizard crapping on Socrates!
That's rich! DISCIPLE
Last night we had nothing to
eat. STREPSIADES
Well, what did he contrive, to
secure you some supper? DISCIPLE
He spread over the table a light
layer of cinders, bending an iron rod the while; then he took up a
pair of compasses and at the same moment unhooked a piece of the
victim which was hanging in the palaestra. STREPSIADES
And we still dare to admire
Thales! Open, open this home of knowledge to me quickly! Haste, haste
to show me Socrates; I long to become his disciple. But do please
open the door. The door opens, revealing the interior of
the Thoughtery, in
which the DISCIPLES OF SOCRATES are seen in various postures of
meditation and study; they are pale and emaciated
creatures. Ah! by Heracles! what country are
those animals from? DISCIPLE
Why, what are you astonished at?
What do you think they resemble? STREPSIADES
The captives of Pylos. But why do
they look so fixedly on the ground? DISCIPLE
They are seeking for what is below
the ground. STREPSIADES
Ah! they're looking for onions. Do
not give yourselves so much trouble; I know where there are some,
fine big ones. But what are those fellows doing, bent all
double? DISCIPLE
They are sounding the abysses of
Tartarus. STREPSIADES
And what are their arses looking
at in the heavens? DISCIPLE
They are studying astronomy on
their own account. But come in so that the master may not find us
here. STREPSIADES
Not yet; not yet; let them not
change their position. I want to tell them my own little
matter. DISCIPLE
But they may not stay too long in
the open air and away from school. STREPSIADES
pointing to a celestial
globe In the name of all the gods, what
is that? Tell me. DISCIPLE
That is astronomy. STREPSIADES
pointing to a map And that? DISCIPLE
Geometry. STREPSIADES
What is that used for? DISCIPLE
To measure the land. STREPSIADES
But that is apportioned by
lot. DISCIPLE
No, no, I mean the entire
earth. STREPSIADES
Ah! what a funny thing! How
generally useful indeed is this invention! DISCIPLE
There is the whole surface of the
earth. Look! Here is Athens. STREPSIADES
Athens! you are mistaken; I see no
courts in session. DISCIPLE
Nevertheless it is really and
truly the Attic territory. STREPSIADES
And where are my neighbours of
Cicynna? DISCIPLE
They live here. This is Euboea;
you see this island, that is so long and narrow. STREPSIADES
I know. Because we and Pericles
have stretched it by dint of squeezing it. And where is
Lacedaemon? DISCIPLE
Lacedaemon? Why, here it is,
look. STREPSIADES
How near it is to us! Think it
well over, it must be removed to a greater distance. DISCIPLE
But, by Zeus, that is not
possible. STREPSIADES
Then, woe to you! and who is this
man suspended up in a basket? DISCIPLE
That's himself. STREPSIADES
Who's himself? DISCIPLE
Socrates. STREPSIADES
Socrates! Oh! I pray you, call him
right loudly for me. DISCIPLE
Call him yourself; I have no time
to waste. He departs. The machine swings in SOCRATES
in a basket. STREPSIADES
Socrates! my little
Socrates! SOCRATES
loftily Mortal, what do you want with
me? STREPSIADES
First, what are you doing up
there? Tell me, I beseech you. SOCRATES
POMPOUSLY I am traversing the air and
contemplating the sun. STREPSIADES
Thus it's not on the solid ground,
but from the height of this basket, that you slight the gods, if
indeed.... SOCRATES
I have to suspend my brain and
mingle the subtle essence of my mind with this air, which is of the
like nature, in order clearly to penetrate the things of heaven. I
should have discovered nothing, had I remained on the ground to
consider from below the things that are above; for the earth by its
force attracts the sap of the mind to itself. It's just the same with
the watercress. STREPSIADES
What? Does the mind attract the
sap of the watercress? Ah! my dear little Socrates, come down to me!
I have come to ask you for lessons. SOCRATES
descending And for what lessons? STREPSIADES
I want to learn how to speak. I
have borrowed money, and my merciles creditors do not leave me a
moment's peace; all my goods are at stake. SOCRATES
And how was it you did not see
that you were getting so much into debt? STREPSIADES
My ruin has been the madness for
horses, a most rapacious evil; but teach me one of your two methods
of reasoning, the one whose object is not to repay anything, and, may
the gods bear witness, that I am ready to pay any fee you may
name. SOCRATES
By which gods will you swear? To
begin with, the gods are not a coin current with us. STREPSIADES
But what do you swear by then? By
the iron money of Byzantium? SOCRATES
Do you really wish to know the
truth of celestial matters? STREPSIADES
Why, yes, if it's possible.
SOCRATES
....and to converse with the
clouds, who are our genii? STREPSIADES
Without a doubt. SOCRATES
Then be seated on this sacred
couch. STREPSIADES
sitting down I am seated. SOCRATES
Now take this chaplet. STREPSIADES
Why a chaplet? Alas! Socrates,
would you sacrifice me, like Athamas? SOCRATES
No, these are the rites of
initiation. STREPSIADES
And what is it I am to
gain? SOCRATES
You will become a thorough
rattle-pate, a hardened old stager, the fine flour of the
talkers....But come, keep quiet. STREPSIADES
By Zeus! That's no lie! Soon I
shall be nothing but wheat-flour, if you powder me in that
fashion. SOCRATES
Silence, old man, give heed to the
prayers. In an hierophantic
tone Oh! most mighty king, the
boundless air, that keepest the earth suspended in space, thou
bright Aether and ye venerable goddesses, the Clouds, who carry in
your loins the thunder and the
lightning, arise, ye sovereign powers
and manifest yourselves in the celestial spheres to the eyes of your
sage. STREPSIADES
Not yet! Wait a bit, till I fold
my mantle double, so as not to get wet. And to think that I did not
even bring my travelling cap! What a misfortune! SOCRATES
ignoring this Come, oh! Clouds, whom I adore,
come and show yourselves to this man, whether you be resting on the
sacred summits of Olympus, crowned with hoar-frost, or tarrying in
the gardens of Ocean, your father, forming sacred choruses with the
Nymphs;
whether you be gathering the waves of the Nile in golden vases or
dwelling in the Maeotic marsh or on the snowy rocks of Mimas, hearken
to my prayer and accept my offering. May these sacrifices be pleasing
to you. Amidst rumblings of thunder the CHORUS OF
CLOUDS appears. CHORUS
singing Eternal Clouds, let us appear; let
us arise from the roaring depths of Ocean, our father; let us fly
towards the lofty mountains, spread our damp wings over their
forest-laden summits, whence we will dominate the distant valleys,
the harvest fed by the sacred earth, the murmur of the divine streams
and the resounding waves of the sea, which the unwearying orb lights
up with its glittering beams. But let us shake off the rainy fogs,
which hide our immortal beauty and sweep the earth from afar with our
gaze. SOCRATES
Oh, venerated goddesses, yes, you
are answering my call! To STREPSIADES. Did you hear their voices mingling with the
awful growling of the thunder? STREPSIADES
Oh! adorable Clouds, I revere you
and I too am going to let off my thunder, so greatly has your own
affrighted me. He farts. Faith! whether permitted or not, I
must, I must crap! SOCRATES
No scoffing; do not copy those
damned comic poets. Come, silence! a numerous host of goddesses
approaches with songs. CHORUS
singing Virgins, who pour forth the rains,
let us move toward Attica, the rich country
of Pallas, the home of the brave; let us visit the dear land of
Cecrops, where the secret
rites are celebrated, where the
mysterious sanctuary flies open to the initiate.... What victims are
offered there to the deities of heaven! What glorious temples! What
statues!
What holy prayers to the rulers of Olympus! At every season nothing but
sacred festivals, garlanded victims, is to be seen. Then Spring
brings round again the joyous feasts of
Dionysus, the harmonious contests of
the choruses and the serious melodies of the
flute. STREPSIADES
By Zeus! Tell me, Socrates, I pray
you, who are these women, whose language is so solemn; can they be
demi-goddesses? SOCRATES
Not at all. They are the Clouds of
heaven, great goddesses for the lazy; to them we owe
all, thoughts, speeches, trickery,
roguery,
boasting, lies, sagacity. STREPSIADES
Ah! that was why, as I listened to
them, my mind spread out its
wings; it burns to babble about
trifles,
to maintain worthless arguments, to voice its petty reasons, to
contradict, to tease some opponent. But are they not going to show
themselves? I should like to see them, were it possible. SOCRATES
Well, look this way in the
direction of Parnes; I already see those who are slowly
descending. STREPSIADES
But where, where? Show them to
me. SOCRATES
They are advancing in a throng,
following an oblique path across the dales and thickets. STREPSIADES
Strange! I can see nothing.
SOCRATES
There, close to the
entrance. STREPSIADES
Hardly, if at all, can I
distinguish them. SOCRATES
You must see them clearly now,
unless your eyes are filled with gum as thick as pumpkins.
STREPSIADES
Aye, undoubtedly! Oh! the
venerable goddesses! Why, they fill up the entire stage. SOCRATES
And you did not know, you never
suspected, that they were goddesses? STREPSIADES
No, indeed; I thought the
Clouds
were only fog, dew and vapour. SOCRATES
STREPSIADES
It is then for this that they
praise
"the rapid flight of the moist clouds, which veil the brightness of
day" and "the waving locks of the hundred-headed Typho" and "the
impetuous tempests, which float through the heavens, like birds of
prey with aerial wings loaded with mists" and "the rains, the dew,
which the clouds outpour." As a reward for these fine phrases they
bolt well-grown, tasty mullet and delicate thrushes. SOCRATES
Yes, thanks to these. And is it
not right and meet? STREPSIADES
Tell me then why, if these really
are the Clouds, they so very much resemble mortals. This is not their
usual form. SOCRATES
What are they like then?
STREPSIADES
I don't know exactly; well, they
are like great packs of wool, but not like women-no, not in the
least....And these have noses. SOCRATES
Answer my questions. STREPSIADES
Willingly! Go on, I am
listening. SOCRATES
Have you not sometimes seen clouds
in the sky like a centaur, a leopard, a wolf or a bull? STREPSIADES
Why, certainly I have, but what of
that? SOCRATES
They take what metamorphosis they
like. If they see a debauchee with long
flowing locks and hairy as a
beast, like the son of Xenophantes,
they take the form of a Centaur in derision of his shameful
passion. STREPSIADES
And when they see Simon, that
thiever of public money, what do they do then? SOCRATES
To picture him to the life, they
turn at once into wolves. STREPSIADES
So that was why yesterday, when
they saw Cleonymus, who cast away his buckler because he is the
veriest poltroon amongst men, they changed into deer. SOCRATES
And to-day they have seen
Clisthenes; you see....they are women STREPSIADES
Hail, sovereign goddesses, and if
ever you have let your celestial voice be heard by mortal ears, speak
to me, oh! speak to me, ye all-powerful queens. CHORUS-LEADER Hail! veteran of the ancient
times, you who burn to instruct yourself in fine language. And you,
great high-priest of subtle nonsense, tell us; your desire.
To you and Prodicus alone of all the hollow orationers of to-day have we lent an ear-to Prodicus, because of
his knowledge and his great wisdom, and to you, because you walk with
head erect, a confident look, barefooted, resigned to everything and
proud of our protection. STREPSIADES
Oh! Earth! What august utterances!
how sacred! how wondrous! SOCRATES
That is because these are the only
goddesses; all the rest are pure myth. STREPSIADES
But by the Earth! is our father,
Zeus, the Olympian, not a god? SOCRATES
Zeus! what Zeus! Are you mad?
There is no Zeus. STREPSIADES
What are you saying now? Who
causes the rain to fall? Answer me that! SOCRATES
STREPSIADES
By Apollo! that is
powerfully argued! For my own part, I always thought it was
Zeus
pissing into a sieve. But tell me, who is it
makes the thunder, which I so much dread? This is a sieve. It was like the hollow, old wineskin of the witch
of Endor. She mumbled into it and the echo and confused voice was
sold as the voice of the gods. The familiar spirit is also the nebel
or harp device. Pagans always told the audience that the voice coming
from stretched strings was the gods living inside. Paul speaks of a
bronze vase or echo-chamber as a hi-tek familiar spirit while warning
the Corinthian churches that such "speaking in tongues" was not
appropriate for the Christian assembly. Lucian of Samosata shows that at the Oracle at Delphi home of Apollo
the thunderer "divining from the sieve" was a tool. "Alexander, on the other hand,
preferred his native place, urging very truly that an enterprise like
theirs required congenial soil to give it a start, in the shape of
'fat-heads' and simpletons; that was a fair description, he said, of the
Paphlagonians beyond Abonutichus; they were mostly
superstitious and well-to-do; one had only to go there with someone to
play the
flute, the
tambourine, or the cymbals, set the proverbial mantic
sieve a-spinning, and there they would all
be gaping as if he were a god from heaven. SOCRATES
These, when they roll one over the
other. STREPSIADES
But how can that be? you most
daring among men! SOCRATES
Being full of water, and forced to
move along, they are of necessity precipitated in rain, being fully
distended with moisture from the regions where they have been
floating; hence they bump each other heavily and burst with great
noise. STREPSIADES
But is it not Zeus who forces them
to move? SOCRATES
Not at all; it's the aerial
Whirlwind. STREPSIADES
The Whirlwind! ah! I did not know
that. So Zeus, it seems, has no existence, and its the Whirlwind that
reigns
in his stead? But you have not yet told me what makes the roll of the
thunder? SOCRATES
Have you not understood me then? I
tell you, that the Clouds, when full of rain, bump against one
another, and that, being inordinately swollen out, they burst with a
great noise. STREPSIADES
How can you make me credit
that? SOCRATES
Take yourself as an example. When
you have heartily gorged on stew at the Panathenaea, you get throes
of stomach-ache and then suddenly your belly resounds with prolonged
rumbling. STREPSIADES
Yes, yes, by Apollo I suffer, I get
colic, then the stew sets to rumbling
like thunder and finally bursts forth
with a terrific noise. At first, it's but a little gurgling pappax, pappax!
then it increases, papapappax! and when I take my crap, why, it's
thunder indeed, papapappax! pappax!! papapappax!!! just like the
clouds. SOCRATES
Well then, reflect what a noise is
produced by your belly, which is but small. Shall not the air, which
is boundless, produce these mighty claps of thunder? STREPSIADES
And this is why the names are so
much alike: crap and clap. But tell me this. Whence comes the lightning, the
dazzling flame, which at times consumes the man it strikes, at others
hardly singes him. Is it not plain, that Zeus is hurling it at the
perjurers? SOCRATES
Out upon the fool! the driveller!
he still savours of the golden age! If Zeus strikes at the perjurers,
why has he not blasted Simon, Cleonymus and Theorus? Of a surety,
greater perjurers cannot exist. No, he strikes his own
temple,
and Sunium, the promontory of Athens, and the towering oaks. Now, why
should he do that? An oak is no perjurer. STREPSIADES
I cannot tell, but it seems to me
well argued. What is the lightning then? SOCRATES
When a dry wind ascends to the
Clouds and gets shut into them, it blows them out like a bladder;
finally, being too confined, it bursts them, escapes with
fierce violence and a roar to flash into flame by reason of its own
impetuosity. STREPSIADES
Ah, that's just what happened to
me one day. It was at the feast of Zeus! I was cooking a
sow's belly for my family and I had forgotten to slit it open. It
swelled out and, suddenly bursting, discharged itself right into my
eyes and burnt my face. LEADER OF THE CHORUS Oh, mortal, you who desire to
instruct yourself in our great wisdom, the Athenians, the Greeks
will envy you your good fortune. Only you must have the memory and
ardour for study, you must know how to stand the tests, hold your
own, go forward without feeling fatigue, caring but little for food,
abstaining from wine, gymnastic exercises and other similar follies, in
fact, you must believe as every man of intellect should, that the
greatest of all blessings is to live and think more clearly than the
vulgar herd, to shine in the contests of words. STREPSIADES
If it be a question of hardiness
for labour, of spending whole nights at work, of living sparingly, of
fighting my stomach and only eating chickpease, rest assured, I am as
hard as an anvil. SOCRATES
Henceforward, following our
example, you will recognize no other gods but Chaos, the
Clouds
and the Tongue, these three alone. STREPSIADES
I would not speak to the others,
even if I met them in the street; not a single sacrifice, not a
libation, not a grain of incense for them! LEADER OF THE CHORUS Tell us boldly then what you want
of us; you cannot fail to succeed. If you honour and revere us and if
you are resolved to become a clever man. STREPSIADES
Oh, sovereign goddesses, it is
only a very small favour that I ask of you; grant that I may
outdistance all the Greeks by a hundred stadia in the art of
speaking. LEADER OF THE CHORUS We grant you this, and
henceforward no eloquence shall more often succeed with the people
than your own. STREPSIADES
May the gods shield me from
possessing great eloquence! That's not what I want. I want to be able
to turn bad law-suits to my own advantage and to slip through the
fingers of my creditors. LEADER OF THE CHORUS It shall be as you wish, for your
ambitions are modest. Commit yourself
fearlessly to our ministers, the sophists. STREPSIADES
This I will do, for I trust in
you. Moreover there is no drawing back, what with these cursed horses
and this marriage, which has eaten up my vitals. More and more volubly from here to the end
of speech So let them do with me as they
will; I yield my body to them. Come blows, come hunger, thirst, heat
or cold, little matters it to me; they may flay me, if I only escape
my debts, if only I win the reputation of
being a bold rascal, a fine speaker, impudent, shameless, a braggart,
and adept at stringing lies, an old stager at quibbles, a complete
table of laws, a thorough rattle, a fox to slip through any hole;
supple as a leathern strap, slippery as an eel, an artful fellow, a
blusterer, a villain; a knave with a hundred faces, cunning,
intolerable, a gluttonous dog. With such epithets do I seek to be
greeted; on these terms they can treat me as they choose, and, if
they wish, by Demeter! they can turn me into sausages and serve me up to the
philosophers. CHORUS
singing Here have we a bold and
well-disposed pupil indeed. When we have taught you, your glory among
the mortals will reach even to the skies. STREPSIADES
singing Wherein will that profit
me? CHORUS
singing You will pass your whole life
among us and will be the most envied of men. STREPSIADES
singing Shall I really ever see such
happiness? CHORUS
singing Clients will be everlastingly
besieging your door in crowds, burning to get at you, to explain
their business to you and to consult you about their suits, which, in
return for your ability, will bring you
in great sums. LEADER OF THE CHORUS But, Socrates, begin the
lessons you want to teach this old man; rouse his mind, try the
strength of his intelligence. SOCRATES
Come, tell me the kind of mind you
have; it's important that I know this, that I may order my batteries
against you in the right fashion. STREPSIADES
Eh, what! in the name of the gods,
are you purposing to assault me then? SOCRATES
No. I only wish to ask you some
questions. Have you any memory? STREPSIADES
That depends: if anything is owed
me, my memory is excellent, but if I owe, alas! I have none
whatever. SOCRATES
Have you a natural gift for
speaking? STREPSIADES
For speaking, no; for cheating,
yes. SOCRATES
How will you be able to learn
then? STREPSIADES
Very easily, have no fear.
SOCRATES
Thus, when I throw forth some
philosophical thought anent things celestial., you will seize it in
its very flight? STREPSIADES
Then I am to snap up wisdom much
as a dog snaps up a morsel? SOCRATES
aside Oh! the ignoramus! the
barbarian! to STREPSIADES I greatly fear, old man, it will
be necessary for me to have recourse to blows. Now, let me hear what
you do when you are beaten. STREPSIADES
I receive the blow, then wait a
moment, take my witnesses and finally summon my assailant at
law. SOCRATES
Come, take off your cloak.
STREPSIADES
Have I robbed you of
anything? SOCRATES
No. but the usual thing is to
enter the school without your cloak. STREPSIADES
But I have not come here to look
for stolen goods. SOCRATES
Off with it, fool! STREPSIADES
He obeys. Tell me, if I prove thoroughly
attentive and learn with zeal, which O; your disciples shall I
resemble, do you think? SOCRATES
You will be the image of
Chaerephon. STREPSIADES
Ah! unhappy me! Shall I then be
only half alive? SOCRATES
A truce to this chatter! follow me
and no more of it. STREPSIADES
First give me a honey-cake, for to
descend down there sets me all a-tremble; it looks like the cave of
Trophonius. SOCRATES
But get in with you! What reason
have you for thus dallying at the door? They go into the Thoughtery.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS Good luck! you have courage; may
you succeed, you, who, though already so advanced in years, wish to
instruct your mind with new studies and practise it in wisdom!
The CHORUS turns and faces the
Audience. Spectators! By Bacchus, whose
servant I am, I will frankly tell you the truth. May I secure both
victory and renown as certainly as I hold you for adept critics and
as I regard this comedy as my best. I wished to give you the first
view of a work, which had cost me much trouble, but which I withdrew,
unjustly beaten by unskilful rivals. It is you, oh, enlightened
public, for whom I have prepared my piece, that I reproach with this.
Nevertheless I shall never willingly cease to
seek the approval of the discerning. I have not forgotten the day,
when men, whom one is happy to have for an audience, received my
Virtuous Young Man and my Paederast with so much
favour in this very place. Then as yet virgin, my Muse had not attained
the age for maternity; she had to expose her first-born for another
to adopt, and it has since grown up under your generous patronage.
Ever since you have as good as sworn me your faithful alliance. Thus,
like the Electra of the poets, my comedy has come to seek you to-day,
hoping again to encounter such enlightened spectators. As far away as
she can discern her Orestes, she will be able to recognize him by his
curly head. And note her modest demeanour! She has not sewn on a piece of hanging
leather, thick and reddened at the end, to cause laughter among the
children; she does not rail at the bald, neither does she
dance the cordax; no old man is seen, who, while uttering his lines,
batters his questioner with a stick to make his poor jests pass
muster. She does not rush upon the scene carrying a torch and
screaming, 'Iou! Iou!' No, she relies upon herself and her
verses....My value is so well known, that I take no further pride in
it. I do not seek to deceive you, by
reproducing the same subjects two or three times; I always invent fresh themes to present before
you, themes that have no relation to each other and that are all
clever. I attacked Cleon to his face and when he was all-powerful;
but he has fallen, and now I have no desire to kick him when he is
down. My rivals, on the contrary, now that this
wretched Hyperbolus has given them the cue, have never ceased setting
upon both him and his mother. First Eupolis presented his 'Maricas';
this was simply my 'Knights,' whom this plagiarist had clumsily
furbished up again by adding to the piece an old drunken woman, so
that she might dance the cordax. It was an old idea, taken from
Phrynichus, who caused his old hag to be devoured by a monster of the
deep. Then Hermippus fell foul of Hyperbolus and now all the others
fall upon him and repeat my comparison of the eels. May those who
find amusement in their pieces not be pleased with mine, but as for
you, who love and applaud my inventions, why, posterity will praise
your good taste. FIRST SEMI-CHORUS singing Oh, ruler of Olympus, all-powerful
king of the gods, great Zeus, it is thou whom I first invoke; protect
this chorus; and thou too, Posidon, whose dread trident upheaves at
the will of thy anger both the bowels of the earth and the salty
waves of the ocean. I invoke my illustrious father, the divine
Aether,
the universal sustainer of life, and Phoebus, who, from the summit of
his chariot, sets the world aflame with his dazzling rays, Phoebus, a
mighty deity amongst the gods and adored amongst mortals. LEADER OF FIRST SEMI-CHORUS Most wise spectators, lend us all
your attention. Give heed to our just reproaches. There exist no gods
to whom this city owes more than it does to us, whom alone you
forget. Not a sacrifice, not a libation is there for those who
protect you! Have you decreed some mad expedition? Well! we thunder
or we fall down in rain. When you chose that enemy of heaven, the
Paphlagonian tanner, for a general, we knitted our brow, we caused
our wrath to break out; the lightning shot forth, the thunder pealed,
the moon deserted her course and the sun at once veiled his beam
threatening, no longer to give you light, if Cleon became general.
Nevertheless you elected him; it is said, Athens never resolves upon
some fatal step but the gods turn these errors into her greatest
gain. Do you wish that his election should even now be a success for
you? It is a very simple thing to do; condemn this rapacious gull
named Cleon for bribery and extortion, fit a wooden collar tight
round his neck, and your error will be rectified and the commonweal
will at once regain its old prosperity. SECOND SEMI-CHORUS singing Aid me also, Phoebus, god of
Delos, who reignest on the cragged peaks of Cynthia; and thou, happy
virgin, to whom the Lydian damsels offer pompous sacrifice in a
temple; of gold; and thou, goddess of our country, Athene, armed with
the aegis, the protectress of Athens; and thou, who, surrounded by
the bacchants of Delphi; roamest over the rocks of Parnassus shaking the flame
of thy resinous torch, thou, Bacchus, the god of revel and
joy. LEADER OF SECOND
SEMI-CHORUS As we were preparing to come here,
we were hailed by the Moon and were charged to wish joy and happiness
both to the Athenians and to their allies; further, she said that she
was enraged and that you treated her very shamefully, her, who does
not pay you in words alone, but who renders you all real benefits.
Firstly, thanks to her, you save at least a
drachma each month for lights, for each, as he is leaving home at
night, says, "Slave, buy no torches, for the moonlight is
beautiful,"-not to name a thousand other benefits. Nevertheless you
do not reckon the days correctly and your calendar is naught but
confusion. Consequently the gods load her with threats each time they
get home and are disappointed of their meal, because the festival has
not been kept in the regular order of time. When you should be
sacrificing, you are putting to the torture or administering justice.
And often, we others, the gods, are fasting in token of mourning for
the death of Memnon or Sarpedon, while you are devoting yourselves to
joyous libations. It is for this, that last year, when the lot would
have invested Hyperbolus with the duty of Amphictyon, we took his
crown from him, to teach him that time must be divided according to
the phases of the moon. SOCRATES
coming out By Respiration, the
Breath
of Life! By Chaos! By the Air! I have never seen a
man so gross, so inept, so stupid, so forgetful. All the little
quibbles, which I teach him, he forgets even before he has learnt
them. Yet I will not give it up, I will make him come out here into
the open air. Where are you, Strepsiades? Come, bring your couch out
here. STREPSIADES
from within But the bugs will not allow me to
bring it. SOCRATES
Have done with such nonsense!
place it there and pay attention. STREPSIADES
coming out, with the bed
Well, here I am. SOCRATES
Good! Which science of all those
you have never been taught, do you wish to learn first? The measures,
the rhythms or the verses? STREPSIADES
Why, the measures; the flour
dealer cheated me out of two choenixes the other day. SOCRATES
It's not about that I ask you, but
which, according to you, is the best measure, the trimeter or the
tetrameter? STREPSIADES
The one I prefer is the
semisextarius. SOCRATES
You talk nonsense, my good
fellow. STREPSIADES
I will wager your tetrameter is
the semisextarius. SOCRATES
Plague seize the dunce and the
fool! Come, perchance you will learn the rhythms quicker. STREPSIADES
Will the rhythms supply me with
food? SOCRATES
First they will help you to be
pleasant in company, then to know what is meant by enhoplian rhythm
and what by the dactylic. STREPSIADES
Of the dactyl? I know that quite
well. SOCRATES
What is it then, other than this
finger here? STREPSIADES
Formerly, when a child, I used
this one. SOCRATES
You are as low-minded as you are
stupid. STREPSIADES
But, wretched man, I do not want
to learn all this. SOCRATES
Then what do you want to
know? STREPSIADES
Not that, not that, but the art of
false reasoning. SOCRATES
But you must first learn other
things. Come, what are the male quadrupeds? STREPSIADES
Oh! I know the males thoroughly.
Do you take me for a fool then? The ram, the buck, the bull, the dog,
the pigeon. SOCRATES
Do you see what you are doing; is
not the female pigeon called the same as the male? STREPSIADES
How else? Come now! SOCRATES
How else? With you then it's
pigeon and pigeon! STREPSIADES
That's right, by Posidon! but what
names do you want me to give them? SOCRATES
Term the female pigeonnette and
the male pigeon. STREPSIADES
Pigeonnette! hah! by the Air!
That's splendid! for that lesson bring out your kneading-trough and I
will fill him with flour to the brim. SOCRATES
There you are wrong again; you
make trough masculine and it should be feminine. STREPSIADES
What? if I say, him, do I make the
trough masculine? SOCRATES
Assuredly! would you not say him
for Cleonymus? STREPSIADES
Well? SOCRATES
Then trough is of the same gender
as Cleonymus? STREPSIADES
My good man! Cleonymus never had a
kneading-trough; he used a round mortar for the purpose. But come,
tell me what I should say! SOCRATES
For trough you should say her as
you would for Soctrate. STREPSIADES
Her? SOCRATES
In this manner you make it truly
female. STREPSIADES
That's it! Her for trough and her
for Cleonymus. SOCRATE," Now I must teach you to distinguish the
masculine proper names from those that are feminine. STREPSIADES
Ah! I know the female names
well. SOCRATES
Name some then. STREPSIADES
Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora,
Demetria. SOCRATES
And what are masculine
names? STREPSIADES
They are are countless-Philoxenus,
Melesias, Amynias. SOCRATES
But, wretched man, the last two
are not masculine. STREPSIADES
You do not count them as
masculine? SOCRATES
Not at all. If you met Amynias,
how would you hail him? STREPSIADES
How? Why, I should shout, "Hi,
there, Amynia! SOCRATES
Do you see? it's a female name
that you give him. STREPSIADES
And is it not rightly done, since
he refuses military service? But what use is there in learning what
we all know? SOCRATES
You know nothing about it. Come,
lie down there. STREPSIADES
What for? SOCRATES
Ponder awhile over matters that
interest you. STREPSIADES
Oh! I pray you, not there but, if
I must lie down and ponder, let me lie on the ground. SOCRATES
That's out of the question. Come!
on the couch! STREPSIADES
as he lies down What cruel fate! What a torture
the bugs will this day put me to! Socrates turns aside. CHORUS
singing Ponder and examine closely, gather
your thoughts together, let your mind turn to every side of things;
if you meet with a difficulty, spring quickly to some other idea;
above all, keep your eyes away from all gentle sleep. STREPSIADES
singing Ow, Wow, Wow, Wow is
me! CHORUS
singing What ails you? why do you cry
so? STREPSIADES
Oh! I am a dead man! Here are
these cursed
Corinthians advancing upon me from all
corners of the couch; they are biting me, they are gnawing at my
sides, they are drinking all my blood, they are yanking of my balls,
they are digging into my arse, they are killing me! LEADER OF THE CHORUS Not so much wailing and clamour,
if you please. STREPSIADES
How can I obey? I have lost my
money and my complexion, my blood and my slippers, and to cap my
misery, I must keep awake on this couch, when scarce a breath of life
is left in me. A brief interval of silence
ensues. SOCRATES
Well now! what are you doing? are
you reflecting? STREPSIADES
Yes, by Posidon! SOCRATES
What about? STREPSIADES
Whether the bugs will entirely
devour me. SOCRATES
May death seize you, accursed
man! He turns aside again. STREPSIADES
Ah it has already. SOCRATES
Come, no giving way! Cover up your
head; the thing to do is to find an ingenious alternative.
STREPSIADES
An alternative! ah! I only wish
one would come to me from within these coverlets! Another interval of silence
ensues. SOCRATES
Wait! let us see what our fellow
is doing! Ho! are you asleep? STREPSIADES
No, by Apollo! SOCRATES
Have you got hold of
anything? STREPSIADES
No, nothing whatever. SOCRATES
Nothing at all? STREPSIADES
No, nothing except my tool, which
I've got in my hand. SOCRATES
Aren't you going to cover your
head immediately and ponder? STREPSIADES
On what? Come, Socrates, tell
me. SOCRATES
Think first what you want, and
then tell me. STREPSIADES
But I have told you a thousand
times what I want. Not to pay any of my creditors. SOCRATES
Come, wrap yourself up;
concentrate your mind, which wanders to lightly; study every detail,
scheme and examine thoroughly. STREPSIADES
Alas! Alas! SOCRATES
Keep still, and if any notion
troubles you, put it quickly aside, then resume it and think over it
again. STREPSIADES
My dear little Socrates!
SOCRATES
What is it, old greybeard?
STREPSIADES
I have a scheme for not paying my
debts. SOCRATES
Let us hear it. STREPSIADES
Tell me, if I purchased a
Thessalian witch, I could make the moon descend during the night and
shut it, like a mirror, into a round box and there keep it
carefully.... SOCRATES
How would you gain by that?
STREPSIADES
How? why, if the moon did not
rise, I would have no interest to pay. SOCRATES
Why so? STREPSIADES
Because money is lent by the
month. SOCRATES
Good! but I am going to propose
another trick to you. If you were condemned to pay five talents, how
would you manage to quash that verdict? Tell me. STREPSIADES
How? how? I don't know, I must
think. SOCRATES
Do you always shut your thoughts
within yourself? Let your ideas fly in the air, like a may-bug, tied
by the foot with a thread. STREPSIADES
I have found a very clever way to
annul that conviction; you will admit that much yourself. SOCRATES
What is it? STREPSIADES
Have you ever seen a beautiful,
transparent stone at the druggists', with which you may kindle
fire? SOCRATES
You mean a crystal lens.
STREPSIADES
That's right. Well, now if I
placed myself with this stone in the sun and a long way off from the
clerk, while he was writing out the conviction, I could make all the
wax, upon which the words were written, melt. SOCRATES
Well thought out, by the
Graces! STREPSIADES
Ah! I am delighted to have
annulled the decree that was to cost me five talents. SOCRATES
Come, take up this next question
quickly. STREPSIADES
Which? SOCRATES
If, when summoned to court, you
were in danger of losing your case for want of witnesses, how would
you make the conviction fall upon your opponent? STREPSIADES
That's very simple and
easy. SOCRATES
Let me hear. STREPSIADES
This way. If another case had to
be pleaded before mine was called, I should run and hang
myself. SOCRATES
You talk rubbish! STREPSIADES
Not so, by the gods! if I were
dead, no action could lie against me. SOCRATES
You are merely beating the air.
Get out! I will give you no more lessons. STREPSIADES
imploringly Why not? Oh! Socrates! in the name
of the gods! SOCRATES
But you forget as fast as you
learn. Come, what was the thing I taught you first? Tell me.
STREPSIADES
Ah let me see. What was the first
thing? What was it then? Ah! that thing in which we knead the bread,
oh! my god! what do you call it? SOCRATES
Plague take the most forgetful and
silliest of old addlepates! STREPSIADES
Alas! what a calamity! what will
become of me? I am undone if I do not learn how to ply my tongue. Oh!
Clouds! give me good advice. CHORUS-LEADER Old man, we counsel you, if you
have brought up a son, to send him to learn in your stead.
STREPSIADES
Undoubtedly I have a son, as well
endowed as the best, but he is unwilling to learn. What will become
of me? CHORUS-LEADER And you don't make him obey
you? STREPSIADES
You see, he is big and strong;
moreover, through his mother he is a descendant of those fine birds,
the race of Coesyra. Nevertheless, I will go and find him, and if he
refuses, I will turn him out of the house. Go in, Socrates, and wait
for me awhile. SOCRATES goes into the Thoughtery,
STREPSIADES into his own house. CHORUS
singing Do you understand, Socrates, that
thanks to us you will be loaded with benefits? Here is a man, ready
to obey you in all things. You see how he is carried away with
admiration and enthusiasm. Profit by it to clip him as short as
possible; fine chances are all too quickly gone. STREPSIADES
coming out of his house and pushing his
son in front of him No, by the Clouds! you stay here
no longer; go and devour the ruins of your uncle Megacles'
fortune. PHIDIPPIDES
Oh! my poor father! what has
happened to you? By the Olympian Zeus! You are no longer in your
senses! STREPSIADES
Look! "the Olympian Zeus." Oh! you
fool! to believe in Zeus at your age! PHIDIPPIDES
What is there in that to make you
laugh? STREPSIADES
You are then a tiny little child,
if you credit such antiquated rubbish! But come here, that I may
teach you; I will tell you something very necessary to know to be a
man; but do not repeat it to anybody. PHIDIPPIDES
Tell me, what is it? STREPSIADES
Just now you swore by Zeus.
PHIDIPPIDES
Sure I did. STREPSIADES
Do you see how good it is to
learn? Phidippides, there is no
Zeus. PHIDIPPIDES
What is there then? STREPSIADES
The Whirlwind has driven out Zeus
and is King now. PHIDIPPIDES
What drivel! STREPSIADES
You must realize that it is
true. PHIDIPPIDES
And who says so? STREPSIADES
Socrates, the Melian, and
Chaerephon, who knows how to measure the jump of a flea. PHIDIPPIDES
Have you reached such a pitch of
madness that you believe those bilious fellows? STREPSIADES
Use better language, and do not
insult men who are clever and full of wisdom, who, to economize,
never shave, shun the gymnasia and never go to the baths, while you,
you only await my death to eat up my wealth. But come, come as
quickly as you can to learn in my stead. PHIDIPPIDES
And what good can be learnt of
them? STREPSIADES
What good indeed? Why, all human
knowledge. Firstly, you will know yourself grossly ignorant. But
await me here awhile. He goes back into his house.
PHIDIPPIDES
Alas! what is to be done? Father
has lost his wits. Must I have him certificated for lunacy, or must I
order his coffin? STREPSIADES
returning with a bird in each
hand Come! what kind of bird is this?
Tell me. PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeon. STREPSIADES
Good! And this female? PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeon. STREPSIADES
The same for both? You make me
laugh! In the future you must call this one a pigeonnette and the
other a pigeon. PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeonnette! These then are the
fine things you have just learnt at the school of these sons of
Earth! STREPSIADES
And many others; but what I learnt
I forgot at once, because I am to old. PHIDIPPIDES
So this is why you have lost your
cloak? STREPSIADES
I have not lost it, I have
consecrated it to Philosophy. PHIDIPPIDES
And what have you done with your
sandals, you poor fool? STREPSIADES
If I have lost them, it is for
what was necessary, just as Pericles did. But come, move yourself,
let us go in; if necessary, do wrong to obey your father. When you
were six years old and still lisped, I was the one who obeyed you. I
remember at the feasts of Zeus you had a consuming wish for a little
chariot and I bought it for you with the first obolus which I
received as a juryman in the courts. PHIDIPPIDES
You will soon repent of what you
ask me to do. STREPSIADES
Oh! now I am happy! He
obeys. loudly Come, Socrates, come! Come out
quick! Here I am bringing you my son; he refused, but I have
persuaded him. SOCRATES
Why, he is but a child yet. He is
not used to these baskets, in which we suspend our minds. PHIDIPPIDES
To make you better used to them, I
would you were hung. STREPSIADES
A curse upon you! you insult your
master! SOCRATES
"I would you were hung!" What a
stupid speech! and so emphatically spoken! How can one ever get out
of an accusation with such a tone, summon witnesses or touch or
convince? And yet when we think, Hyperbolus learnt all this for one
talent! STREPSIADES
Rest undisturbed and teach him. He
has a most intelligent nature. Even when quite little he amused
himself at home with making houses, carving boats, constructing
little chariots of leather, and understood wonderfully how to make
frogs out of pomegranate rinds. Teach him both methods of reasoning,
the strong and also the weak, which by false arguments triumphs over
the strong; if not the two, at least the false, and that in every
possible way. SOCRATES
The Just and Unjust Discourse
themselves shall instruct him. I shall leave you. STREPSIADES
But forget it not, he must always,
always be able to confound the true. Socrates enters the Thoughtery; a moment
later the JUST and the UNJUST DISCOURSE come out; they are
quarrelling violently. JUST DISCOURSE Come here! Shameless as you may
be, will you dare to show your face to the spectators? UNJUST DISCOURSE Take me where you will. I seek a
throng, so that I may the better annihilate you. JUST DISCOURSE Annihilate me! Do you forget who
you are? UNJUST DISCOURSE I am Reasoning. JUST DISCOURSE Yes, the weaker Reasoning."
UNJUST DISCOURSE But I triumph over you, who claim
to be the stronger. JUST DISCOURSE By what cunning shifts,
pray? UNJUST DISCOURSE By the invention of new
maxims. JUST DISCOURSE .... which are received with
favour by these fools. He points to the audience. UNJUST DISCOURSE Say rather, by these wise
men. JUST DISCOURSE I am going to destroy you
mercilessly. UNJUST DISCOURSE How pray? Let us see you do
it. JUST DISCOURSE By saying what is true.
UNJUST DISCOURSE I shall retort and shall very soon
have the better of you. First, maintain that justice has no
existence. JUST DISCOURSE Has no existence? UNJUST DISCOURSE No existence! Why, where is
it? JUST DISCOURSE With the gods. UNJUST DISCOURSE How then, if justice exists, was
Zeus not put to death for having put his father in chains?
JUST DISCOURSE Bah! this is enough to turn my
stomach! A basin, quick! UNJUST DISCOURSE You are an old driveller and
stupid withal. JUST DISCOURSE And you a degenerate and shameless
fellow. UNJUST DISCOURSE Hah! What sweet
expressions! JUST DISCOURSE An impious buffoon. UNJUST DISCOURSE You crown me with roses and with
lilies. JUST DISCOURSE A parricide. UNJUST DISCOURSE Why, you shower gold upon
me. JUST DISCOURSE Formerly it was a hailstorm of
blows. UNJUST DISCOURSE I deck myself with your
abuse. JUST DISCOURSE What impudence! UNJUST DISCOURSE What tomfoolery! JUST DISCOURSE It is because of you that the
youth no longer attends the schools. The Athenians will soon
recognize what lessons you teach those who are fools enough to
believe you. UNJUST DISCOURSE You are overwhelmed with
wretchedness. JUST DISCOURSE And you, you prosper. Yet you were
poor when you said, "I am the Mysian Telephus," and used to stuff
your wallet with maxims of Pandeletus to nibble at. UNJUST DISCOURSE Oh! the beautiful wisdom, of which
you are now boasting! JUST DISCOURSE Madman! But yet madder the city
that keeps you, you, the corrupter of its youth! UNJUST DISCOURSE It is not you who will teach this
young man; you are as old and out of date at Cronus. JUST DISCOURSE Nay, it will certainly be I, if he
does not wish to be lost and to practise verbosity only. UNJUST DISCOURSE to
PHIDIPPIDES Come here and leave him to beat
the air. JUST DISCOURSE You'll regret it, if you touch
him. CHORUS-LEADER stepping between them as
they are about to come to blows A truce to your quarrellings and
abuse! But you expound what you taught us formerly, and you, your new
doctrine. Thus, after hearing each of you argue, he will be able to
choose betwixt the two schools. JUST DISCOURSE I am quite agreeable. UNJUST DISCOURSE And I too. LEADER OF THE CHORUS Who is to speak first? UNJUST DISCOURSE Let it be my opponent, he has my
full consent; then I shall follow upon the very ground he shall have
chosen and shall shatter him with a hail of new ideas and subtle
fancies; if after that he dares to breathe another word, I shall
sting him in the face and in the eyes with our maxims, which are as
keen as the sting of a wasp, and he will die. CHORUS
singing Here are two rivals confident in
their powers of oratory and in the thoughts over which they have
pondered so long. Let us see which will come triumphant out of the
contest. This wisdom, for which my friends maintain such a persistent
fight, is in great danger. LEADER OF THE CHORUS Come then, you, who crowned men of
other days with so many virtues, plead the cause dear to you, make
yourself known to us. JUST DISCOURSE Very well, I will tell you what
was the old education, when I used to teach justice with so much
success and when modesty was held in veneration. Firstly, it was
required of a child, that it should not utter a word. In the street,
when they went to the music-school, all the youths of the same
district marched lightly clad and ranged in good order, even when the
snow was falling in great flakes. At the master's house they had to stand with
their legs apart and they were taught to sing either, "Pallas, the Terrible, who
overturneth cities," or "A noise resounded from afar" in the solemn
tones of the ancient harmony. If anyone indulged in buffoonery or lent his
voice any of the soft inflexions, like those which to-day the disciples of
Phrynis take so much pains to form, he was treated as an enemy of the
Muses and belaboured with blows. In the wrestling school they would sit with
outstretched legs and without display of any indecency to the
curious. When they rose, they would smooth over the sand, so as to
leave no trace to excite obscene thoughts. Never was a child rubbed
with oil below the belt; the rest of their bodies thus retained its
fresh bloom and down, like a velvety peach. They were not to be seen
approaching a lover and themselves rousing his passion by soft
modulation of the voice and lustful gaze. At table, they would not
have dared, before those older than themselves, to have taken a
radish, an aniseed or a leaf of parsley, and much less eat fish or
thrushes or cross their legs. UNJUST DISCOURSE What antiquated rubbish! Have we
got back to the days of the festivals of Zeus Polieus, to the
Buphonia, to the time of the poet Cecides and the golden
cicadas? JUST DISCOURSE Nevertheless by suchlike teaching
I built up the men of Marathon-But you, you teach the children of
to-day to bundle themselves quickly into their clothes, and I am
enraged when I see them at the Panathenaea forgetting Athene while
they dance, and covering their tools with their bucklers.
Hence, young man, dare to range yourself
beside me, who follow justice and truth; you will then be able to
shun the public place, to refrain from the baths, to blush at all
that is shameful, to fire up if your virtue is mocked at, to give
place to your elders, to honour your parents, in short, to avoid all
that is evil. Be modesty itself, and do not run to applaud the
dancing girls; if you delight in such scenes, some courtesan will
cast you her apple and your reputation will be done for. Do not bandy
words with your father, nor treat him as a dotard, nor reproach the
old man, who has cherished you, with his age. UNJUST DISCOURSE If you listen to him, by Bacchus!
you will be the image of the sons of Hippocrates and will be called
mother's big ninny. JUST DISCOURSE No, but you will pass your days at
the gymnasia, glowing with strength and health; you will not go to
the public place to cackle and wrangle as is done nowadays; you will
not live in fear that you may be dragged before the courts for some
trifle exaggerated by quibbling. But you will go down to the Academy
to run beneath the sacred olives with some virtuous friend of your
own age, your head encircled with the white reed, enjoying your ease
and breathing the perfume of the yew and of the fresh sprouts of the
poplar, rejoicing in the return of springtide and gladly listening to
the gentle rustle of the plane tree and the elm. With greater warmth from here on
If you devote yourself to
practising my precepts, your chest will be stout, your colour
glowing, your shoulders broad, your tongue short, your hips muscular,
but your tool small. But if you follow the fashions of the day, you
will be pallid in hue, have narrow shoulders, a narrow chest, a long
tongue, small hips and a big thing; you will know how to spin forth
long-winded arguments on law. You will be persuaded also to regard as
splendid everything that is shameful and as shameful everything that
is honourable; in a word, you will wallow in degeneracy like
Antimachus. CHORUS
singing How beautiful, high-souled,
brilliant is this wisdom that you
practise! What a sweet odour of honesty is emitted by your discourse!
Happy were those men of other days who lived when you were honoured!
And you, seductive
talker, come, find some fresh
arguments, for your rival has done wonders. LEADER OF THE CHORUS You will have to bring out against
him all the battery of your wit, it you desire to beat him and not to
be laughed out of court. UNJUST DISCOURSE At last! I was choking with
impatience, I was burning to upset his arguments! If I am called the
Weaker Reasoning in the schools, it is just because I was the first
to discover the means to confute the laws and the decrees of justice.
To invoke solely the weaker arguments and yet triumph is an art worth
more than a hundred thousand drachmae. But see how I shall batter
down the sort of education of which he is so proud. Firstly, he
forbids you to bathe in hot water. What grounds have you for
condemning hot baths? JUST DISCOURSE Because they are baneful and
enervate men. UNJUST DISCOURSE Enough said! Oh! you poor
wrestler! From the very outset I have seized you and hold you round
the middle; you cannot escape me. Tell me, of all the sons of Zeus,
who had the stoutest heart, who performed the most doughty
deeds? JUST DISCOURSE None, in my opinion, surpassed
Heracles. UNJUST DISCOURSE Where have you ever seen cold
baths called 'Bath of Heracles'? And yet who was braver than
he? JUST DISCOURSE It is because of such quibbles,
that the baths are seen crowded with young folk, who chatter there
the livelong day while the gymnasia remain empty. UNJUST DISCOURSE Next you condemn the habit of
frequenting the market-place, while I approve this. If it were wrong
Homer would never have made Nestor speak in public as well as all his
wise heroes. As for the art of speaking, he tells you, young men
should not practise it; I hold the contrary. Furthermore he preaches
chastity to them. Both precepts are equally harmful. Have you ever
seen chastity of any use to anyone? Answer and try to confute
me. JUST DISCOURSE To many; for instance, Peleus won
a sword thereby. UNJUST DISCOURSE A sword! Ah! what a fine present
to make him! Poor wretch! Hyperbolus, the lamp-seller, thanks to his
villainy, has gained more than....do not know how many talents, but
certainly no sword. JUST DISCOURSE Peleus owed it to his chastity
that he became the husband of Thetis. UNJUST DISCOURSE .... who left him in the lurch,
for he was not the most ardent; in those nocturnal sports between the
sheets, which so please women, he possessed but little merit. Get you
gone, you are but an old fool. But you, young man, just consider a
little what this temperance means and the delights of which it
deprives you-young fellows, women, play, dainty dishes,
wine,
boisterous laughter. And what is life worth without these?
Then, if you happen to commit one of these
faults inherent in human weakness, some seduction or adultery, and
you are caught in the act, you are lost, if you cannot speak.
But follow my teaching and you will be able to
satisfy your passions, to dance, to laugh, to blush at nothing.
Suppose you are caught in the act
of adultery. Then up and tell the husband you are not
guilty, and recall to him the example
of Zeus, who allowed himself to be
conquered by love and by women. Being but a mortal, can you be stronger than a
god? JUST DISCOURSE Suppose your pupil, following your
advice, gets the radish rammed up his arse and then is depilated with
a hot coal; how are you going to prove to him that he is not a
broad-arse? UNJUST DISCOURSE What's the matter with being a
broad-arse? JUST DISCOURSE Is there anything worse than
that? UNJUST DISCOURSE Now what will you say, if I beat
you even on this point? JUST DISCOURSE I should certainly have to be
silent then. UNJUST DISCOURSE Well then, reply! Our advocates,
what are they? JUST DISCOURSE Sons of broad-arses. UNJUST DISCOURSE Nothing is more true. And our
tragic poets? JUST DISCOURSE Sons of broad-arses. UNJUST DISCOURSE Well said again. And our
demagogues? JUST DISCOURSE Sons of broad-arses. UNJUST DISCOURSE You admit that you have spoken
nonsense. And the spectators, what are they for the most part? Look
at them. JUST DISCOURSE I am looking at them. UNJUST DISCOURSE Well! What do you see? JUST DISCOURSE By the gods, they are nearly all
broad-arses. pointing See, this one I know to be such
and that one and that other with the long hair. UNJUST DISCOURSE What have you to say, then?
JUST DISCOURSE I am beaten. Debauchees! in the
name of the gods, receive my cloak; I pass over to your ranks.
He goes back into the
Thoughtery. UNJUST DISCOURSE Well then! Are you going to take
away your son or do you wish me to teach him how to speak?
STREPSIADES
Teach him, chastise him and do not
fail to sharpen his tongue well, on one side for petty law-suits and
on the other for important cases. UNJUST DISCOURSE Don't worry, I shall return him to
you an accomplished sophist. PHIDIPPIDES
Very pale then and thoroughly
hang-dog-looking. LEADER OF THE CHORUS Take him with you. The UNJUST DISCOURSE and PHIDIPPIDES go
into the THOUGHTERY. To STREPSIADES, who is just going into his own
house. I think you will regret
this. The CHORUS turns and faces the
audience. judges, we are all about to tell
you what you will gain by awarding us the crown as equity requires of
you. In spring, when you wish to give your fields the first dressing,
we will rain upon you first; the others shall wait. Then we will
watch over your corn and over your vinestocks; they will
have no excess to fear, neither of heat nor of wet. But if a mortal
dares to insult the goddesses of the Clouds, let him think of the
ills we shall pour upon him. For him neither wine nor any harvest at all! Our
terrible slings will mow down his young olive plants and his vines.
If he is making bricks, it will rain, and our round hailstones will
break the tiles of his roof. If he himself marries or any of his
relations or friends, we shall cause rain to fall the whole night
long. Verily, he would prefer to live in Egypt than to have given
this iniquitous verdict. STREPSIADES
coming out again Another four, three, two days,
then the eve, then the day, the fatal day of payment! I tremble, I
quake, I shudder, for it's the day of the old moon and the new. Then
all my creditors take the oath, pay their deposits, I swear my
downfall and my ruin. As for me, I beseech them to be reasonable, to
be just, "My friend, do not demand this sum, wait a little for this
other and give me time for this third one." Then they will pretend
that at this rate they will never be repaid, will accuse me of bad
faith and will threaten me with the law. Well then, let them sue me!
I care nothing for that, if only Phidippides has learnt to speak
fluently. I am going to find out; I'll knock at the door of the
school. He knocks. .... Ho! slave, slave! SOCRATES
coming out Welcome! Strepsiades! STREPSIADES
Welcome! Socrates! But first take
this sack; offers him a sack of flour it is right to reward the master
with some present. And my son, whom you took off lately, has he
learnt this famous reasoning? Tell me. SOCRATES
He has learnt it. STREPSIADES
Wonderful! Oh! divine
Knavery! SOCRATES
You will win just as many causes
as you choose. STREPSIADES
Even if I have borrowed before
witnesses? SOCRATES
So much the better, even if there
are a thousand of them! STREPSIADES
bursting into song Then I am going to shout with all
my might. "Woe to the usurers, woe to their
capital and their interest and their compound interest! You
shall play me no more bad turns. My son is being taught there, his
tongue is being sharpened into a double-edged weapon; he is my
defender, the saviour of my house, the ruin of my foes! His poor
father was crushed down with misfortune and he delivers him." Go and
call him to me quickly. Oh! my child! my dear little one! run forward
to your father's voice! SOCRATES
singing Lo, the man himself! STREPSIADES
singing Oh, my friend, my dearest
friend! SOCRATES
singing Take your son, and get you
gone. STREPSIADES
as PHIDIPPIDES appears Oh, my son! oh! oh! what a
pleasure to see your pallor! You are ready first to deny and then to
contradict; it's as clear as noon. What a child of your country you
are! How your lips quiver with the famous, "What have you to say
now?" How well you know, I am certain, to put on the look of a
victim, when it is you who are making both victims and dupes! And
what a truly Attic glance! Come, it's for you to save me, seeing it
is you who have ruined me. PHIDIPPIDES
What is it you fear then?
STREPSIADES
The day of the old and the
new. PHIDIPPIDES
Is there then a day of the old and
the new? STREPSIADES
The day on which they threaten to
pay deposit against me. PHIDIPPIDES
Then so much the worse for those
who have deposited! for it's not possible for one day to be
two. STREPSIADES
What? PHIDIPPIDES
Why, undoubtedly, unless a woman
can be both old and young at the same time. STREPSIADES
But so runs the law. PHIDIPPIDES
I think the meaning of the law is
quite misunderstood. STREPSIADES
What does it mean? PHIDIPPIDES
Old Solon loved the people.
STREPSIADES
What has that to do with the old
day and the new? PHIDIPPIDES
He has fixed two days for the
summons, the last day of the old moon and the first day of the new;
but the deposits must only be paid on the first day of the new
moon. STREPSIADES
And why did he also name the last
day of the old? PHIDIPPIDES
So, my dear sir, that the debtors,
being there the day before, might free themselves by mutual
agreement, or that else, if not, the creditor might begin his action
on the morning of the new moon. STREPSIADES
Why then do the magistrates have
the deposits paid on the last of the month and not the next
day? PHIDIPPIDES
I think they do as the gluttons
do, who are the first to pounce upon the dishes. Being eager to carry
off these deposits, they have them paid in a day too soon.
STREPSIADES
Splendid! to the audience Ah! you poor brutes, who serve for
food to us clever folk! You are only down here to swell the number,
true blockheads, sheep for shearing, heap of empty pots! Hence I will
sing a song of victory for my son and myself. "Oh! happy,
Strepsiades! what cleverness is thine! and what a son thou hast
here!" Thus my friends and my neighbours will say, jealous at seeing
me gain all my suits. But come in, I wish to regale you first.
They both go in. A moment later a creditor
arrives, with his witness. PASIAS
to the WITNESS A man should never lend a single
obolus. It would be better to put on a brazen face at the outset than
to get entangled in such matters. I want to see my money again and I
bring you here to-day to attest the loan. I am going to make a foe of
a neighbour; but, as long as I live, I do not wish my country to have
to blush for me. Come, I am going to summon Strepsiades....
STREPSIADES
coming out of his house Who is this? PASIAS
....for the old day and the
new. STREPSIADES
to the WITNESS I call you to witness, that he has
named two days. What do you want of me? PASIAS
I claim of you the twelve minae,
which you borrowed from me to buy the dapple-grey horse. STREPSIADES
A horse! do you hear him? I, who
detest horses, as is well known. PASIAS
I call Zeus to witness, that you
swore by the gods to return them to me. STREPSIADES
Because at that time, by Zeus!
Phidippides did not yet know the irrefutable argument. PASIAS
Would you deny the debt on that
account? STREPSIADES
If not, what use is his science to
me? PASIAS
Will you dare to swear by the gods
that you owe me nothing? STREPSIADES
By which gods? PASIAS
By Zeus, Hermes and
Posidon! STREPSIADES
Why, I would give three obols for
the pleasure of swearing by them. PASIAS
Woe upon you, impudent
knave! STREPSIADES
Oh! what a fine wine-skin you would make
if flayed! PASIAS
Heaven! he jeers at me!
STREPSIADES
It would hold six gallons
easily. PASIAS
By great Zeus! by all the gods!
you shall not scoff at me with impunity, STREPSIADES
Ah! how you amuse me with your
gods! how ridiculous it seems to a sage to hear Zeus invoked.
PASIAS
Your blasphemies will one day meet
their reward. But, come, will you repay me my money, yes or no?
Answer me, that I may go. STREPSIADES
Wait a moment, I am going to give
you a distinct answer. He goes indoors and returns immediately
with a kneading-trough. PASIAS
to the WITNESS What do you think he will do? Do
you think he will pay? STREPSIADES
Where is the man who demands
money? Tell me, what is this? PASIAS
Him? Why, he is your
kneading-trough. STREPSIADES
And you dare to demand money of
me, when you are so ignorant? I will not return an obolus to anyone
who says him instead of her for a kneading-trough. PASIAS
You will not repay? STREPSIADES
Not if I know it. Come, an end to
this, pack off as quick as you can. PASIAS
I go, but, may I die, if it be not
to pay my deposit for a summons. Exit STREPSIADES
Very well! It will be so much more
loss to add to the twelve minae. But truly it makes me sad, for I do
pity a poor simpleton who says him for a kneading-trough Another creditor arrives. AMYNIAS
Woe! ah woe is me! STREPSIADES
Wait! who is this whining fellow?
Can it be one of the gods of Carcinus? AMYNIAS
Do you want to know who I am? I am
a man of misfortune! STREPSIADES
Get on your way then. AMYNIAS
in tragic style Oh! cruel god! Oh Fate, who hast
broken the wheels of my chariot! Oh, Pallas, thou hast undone
me! STREPSIADES
What ill has Tlepolemus done
you? AMYNIAS
Instead of jeering me, friend,
make your son return me the money he has had of me; I am already
unfortunate enough. STREPSIADES
What money? AMYNIAS
The money he borrowed of
me. STREPSIADES
You have indeed had misfortune, it
seems to me. AMYNIAS
Yes, by the gods! I have been
thrown from a chariot. STREPSIADES
Why then drivel as if you had
fallen off an ass? AMYNIAS
Am I drivelling because I demand
my money? STREPSIADES
No, no, you cannot be in your
right senses. AMYNIAS
Why? STREPSIADES
No doubt your poor wits have had a
shake. AMYNIAS
But by Hermes! I will sue you at
law, if you do not pay me. STREPSIADES
Just tell me; do you think it is
always fresh water that Zeus lets fall every time it rains, or is ill
always the same water that the sun pumps over the earth? AMYNIAS
I neither know, nor care.
STREPSIADES
And actually you would claim the
right to demand your money, when you know not an iota of these
celestial phenomena? AMYNIAS
If you are short, pay me the
interest anyway. STREPSIADES
What kind of animal is
interest? AMYNIAS
What? Does not the sum borrowed go
on growing, growing every month, each day as the time slips
by? STREPSIADES
Well put. But do you believe there
is more water in the sea now than there was formerly? AMYNIAS
No, it's just the same quantity.
It cannot increase. STREPSIADES
Thus, poor fool, the sea, that
receives the rivers, never grows, and yet you would have your money
grow? Get you gone, away with you, quick! Slave! bring me the
ox-goad! AMYNIAS
I have witnesses to this.
STREPSIADES
Come, what are you waiting for?
Will you not budge, old nag! AMYNIAS
What an insult! STREPSIADES
Unless you start trotting, I shall
catch you and stick this in your arse, you sorry packhorse!
AMYNIAS runs off. Ah! you start, do you? I was about
to drive you pretty fast, I tell you-you and your wheels and your
chariot! He enters his house. CHORUS
singing Whither does the passion of evil
lead! here is a perverse old man, who wants to cheat his creditors;
but some mishap, which will speedily punish this rogue for his
shameful schemings, cannot fail to overtake him from to-day. For a
long time he has been burning to have his son know how to fight
against all justice and right and to gain even the most iniquitous
causes against his adversaries every one. I think this wish is going
to be fulfilled. But mayhap, mayhap, will he soon wish his son were
dumb rather! STREPSIADES
rushing out With PHIDIPPIDES after
him Oh! oh! neighbours, kinsmen,
fellow-citizens, help! help! to the rescue, I am being beaten! Oh! my
head! oh! my jaw! Scoundrel! Do you beat your own father? PHIDIPPIDES
calmly Yes, father, I do. STREPSIADES
See! he admits he is beating
me. PHIDIPPIDES
Of course I do. STREPSIADES
You villain, you parricide, you
gallows-bird! PHIDIPPIDES
Go on, repeat your epithets, call
me a thousand other names, if it please you. The more you curse, the
greater my amusement! STREPSIADES
Oh! you ditch-arsed cynic!
PHIDIPPIDES
How fragrant the perfume breathed
forth in your words. STREPSIADES
Do you beat your own
father? PHIDIPPIDES
Yes, by Zeus! and I am going to
show you that I do right in beating you. STREPSIADES
Oh, wretch! can it be right to
beat a father? PHIDIPPIDES
I will prove it to you, and you
shall own yourself vanquished. STREPSIADES
Own myself vanquished on a point
like this? PHIDIPPIDES
It's the easiest thing in the
world. Choose whichever of the two reasonings you like. STREPSIADES
Of which reasonings? PHIDIPPIDES
The Stronger and the
Weaker. STREPSIADES
Miserable fellow! Why, I am the
one who had you taught how to refute what is right. and now you would
persuade me it is right a son should beat his father. PHIDIPPIDES
I think I shall convince you so
thoroughly that, when you have heard me, you will not have a word to
say. STREPSIADES
Well, I am curious to hear what
you have to say. CHORUS
singing Consider well, old man, how you
can best triumph over him. His brazenness shows me that he thinks
himself sure of his case; he has some argument which gives him nerve.
Note the confidence in his look! LEADER OF THE CHORUS But how did the fight begin? tell
the Chorus; you cannot help doing that much. STREPSIADES
I will tell you what was the start
of the quarrel. At the end of the meal, as you know, I bade him take
his lyre and sing me the air of Simonides, which tells of the fleece
of the ram. He replied bluntly, that it was stupid, while drinking,
to play the lyre and sing, like a woman when she is grinding
barley. PHIDIPPIDES
Why, by rights I ought to have
beaten and kicked you the very moment you told me to sing.
STREPSIADES
That is just how he spoke to me in
the house, furthermore he added, that Simonides was a detestable
poet. However, I mastered myself and for a while said nothing. Then I
said to him, 'At least, take a myrtle branch and recite a passage
from Aeschylus to me.'-'For my own part,' he at once replied, 'I look
upon Aeschylus as the first of
poets, for his verses roll superbly;
they're nothing but
incoherence, bombast and turgidity.' Yet still I
smothered my wrath and said, 'Then recite one of the famous pieces
from the modern poets.' Then he commenced a piece in which Euripides
shows, oh! horror! a brother, who violates his own uterine sister.
Then I could not longer restrain myself, and attacked him with the
most injurious abuse; naturally he retorted; hard words were hurled
on both sides, and finally he sprang at me, broke my bones, bore me
to earth, strangled and started killing me! PHIDIPPIDES
I was right. What! not praise
Euripides, the greatest of our poets? STREPSIADES
He the greatest of our poets? Ah!
if I but dared to speak! but the blows would rain upon me harder than
ever. PHIDIPPIDES
Undoubtedly and rightly
too. STREPSIADES
Rightly! Oh! what impudence! to
me, who brought you up! when you could hardly lisp, I guessed what
you wanted. If you said broo, broo, well, I brought you your milk; if
you asked for mam mam, I gave you bread; and you had no sooner said,
caca, than I took you outside and held you out. And just now, when
you were strangling me, I shouted, I bellowed that I was about to
crap; and you, you scoundrel, had not the heart to take me outside,
so that, though almost choking, I was compelled to do my crapping
right there. CHORUS
singing Young men, your hearts must be
panting with impatience. What is Phidippides going to say? If, after
such conduct, he proves he has done well, I would not give an obolus
for the hide of old men. LEADER OF THE CHORUS Come, you, who know how to
brandish and hurl the keen shafts of the new science, find a way to
convince us, give your language an appearance of truth. PHIDIPPIDES
How pleasant it is to know these
clever new inventions and to be able to
defy the established laws! When I
thought only about horses, I was not able to string three words
together without a mistake, but now that the master has altered and
improved me and that I live in this world of subtle thought, of
reasoning and of meditation, I count on being able to prove
satisfactorily that I have done well to thrash my father. STREPSIADES
Mount your horse! By Zeus! I would
rather defray the keep of a four-in-hand team than be battered with
blows. PHIDIPPIDES
I revert to what I was saying when
you interrupted me. And first, answer me, did you beat me in my
childhood? STREPSIADES
Why, assuredly, for your good and
in your own best interest. PHIDIPPIDES
Tell me, is it not right, that in
turn I should beat you for your good, since it is for a man's own
best interest to be beaten? What! must your body be free of blows,
and not mine? am I not free-born too? the children are to weep and
the fathers go free? You will tell me, that according to the law, it
is the lot of children to be beaten. But I reply that the old men are
children twice over and that it is far more fitting to chastise them
than the young, for there is less excuse for their faults.
STREPSIADES
But the law nowhere admits that
fathers should be treated thus. PHIDIPPIDES
Was not the legislator who carried
this law a man like you and me? In those days be got men to believe
him; then why should not I too have the right to establish for the
future a new law, allowing children to beat their fathers in turn? We
make you a present of all the blows which were received before his
law, and admit that you thrashed us with impunity. But look how the
cocks and other animals fight with their fathers; and yet what
difference is there betwixt them and ourselves, unless it be that
they do not propose decrees? STREPSIADES
But if you imitate the cocks in
all things, why don't you scratch up the dunghill, why don't you
sleep on a perch? PHIDIPPIDES
That has no bearing on the case,
good sir; Socrates would find no connection, I assure you.
STREPSIADES
Then do not beat at all, for
otherwise you have only yourself to blame afterwards. PHIDIPPIDES
What for? STREPSIADES
I have the right to chastise you,
and you to chastise your son, if you have one. PHIDIPPIDES
And if I have not, I shall have
cried in vain, and you will die laughing in my face. STREPSIADES
What say you, all here present? It
seems to me that he is right, and I am of opinion that they should be
accorded their right. If we think wrongly, it is but just we should
be beaten. PHIDIPPIDES
Again, consider this other
point. STREPSIADES
It will be the death of me.
PHIDIPPIDES
But you will certainly feel no
more anger because of the blows I have given you. STREPSIADES
Come, show me what profit I shall
gain from it. PHIDIPPIDES
I shall beat my mother just as I
have you. STREPSIADES
What do you say? what's that you
say? Hah! this is far worse still. PHIDIPPIDES
And what if I prove to you by our
school reasoning, that one ought to beat one's mother? STREPSIADES
Ah! if you do that, then you will
only have to throw yourself, along with Socrates and his reasoning,
into the Barathrum. Oh! Clouds! all our troubles emanate from you,
from you, to whom I entrusted myself, body and soul. LEADER OF THE CHORUS No, you alone are the cause,
because you have pursued the path of evil. STREPSIADES
Why did you not say so then,
instead of egging on a poor ignorant old man? LEADER OF THE CHORUS We always act thus, when we see a
man conceive a passion for what is evil; we strike him with some
terrible disgrace, so that he may learn to fear the gods. STREPSIADES
Alas! oh Clouds! that's hard
indeed, but it's just! I ought not to have cheated my
creditors....But come, my dear son, come with me to take vengeance on
this wretched Chaerephon and on Socrates, who have deceived us
both. PHIDIPPIDES
I shall do nothing against our
masters. STREPSIADES
Oh show some reverence for
ancestral Zeus! PHIDIPPIDES
Mark him and his ancestral Zeus!
What a fool you are! Does any such being as Zeus exist? STREPSIADES
Why, assuredly. PHIDIPPIDES
No, a thousand times no! The ruler
of the world is the Whirlwind, that has unseated Zeus. STREPSIADES
He has not dethroned him. I
believed it, because of this whirligig here. Unhappy wretch that I
am! I have taken a piece of clay to be a god. PHIDIPPIDES
Very well! Keep your stupid
nonsense for your own consumption. He goes back into STREPSIADES'
house. STREPSIADES
Oh! what madness! I had lost my
reason when I threw over the gods through Socrates' seductive
phrases. Addressing the statue of Hermes
Oh! good Hermes, do not destroy me
in your wrath. Forgive me; their babbling had driven me crazy. Be my
counselor. Shall I pursue them at law or shall I....? Order and I
obey.-You are right, no law-suit; but up! let us burn down the home
of those praters. Here, Xanthias, here! take a ladder, come forth and
arm yourself with an axe; now mount upon the Thoughtery, demolish the
roof, if you love your master, and may the house fall in upon them.
Ho! bring me a blazing torch! There is more than one of them,
arch-impostors as they are, on whom I am determined to have
vengeance. A DISCIPLE
from within Oh! oh! STREPSIADES
Come, torch, do your duty! Burst
into full flame! DISCIPLE
What are you up to? STREPSIADES
What am I up to? Why, I am
entering upon a subtle argument with the beams of the house.
SECOND DISCIPLE from within
Hullo! hullo who is burning down
our house? STREPSIADES
The man whose cloak you have
appropriated. SECOND DISCIPLE You are killing us! STREPSIADES
That is just exactly what I hope,
unless my axe plays me false, or I fall and break my neck.
SOCRATES
appearing at the window Hi! you fellow on the roof, what
are you doing up there? STREPSIADES
mocking SOCRATES' manner
I am traversing the air and
contemplating the sun. SOCRATES
Ah! ah! woe is upon me! I am
suffocating! SECOND DISCIPLE And I, alas, shall be burnt
up! STREPSIADES
Ah! you insulted the gods! You
studied the face of the moon! Chase them, strike and beat them down!
Forward! they have richly deserved their fate-above all, by reason of
their blasphemies. LEADER OF THE CHORUS So let the Chorus file off the
stage. Its part is played. THE END
http://the-tech.mit.edu/Classics/Aristophanes/clouds.sum.html
